Memoires of an everchanging spirit

Reaching states below my lowest//

[21.03.23]

I'm homesick for places that don't exist anymore and are long gone

I miss best friends I've had

I deeply miss people I've loved

My psyche is fucked up

I started taking sertraline some time ago and thoughts of killing myself have been becoming more and more intrusive as of recently

I'm so goddamn tired, even though the antidepressants make me feel weirdly awake all the time

I'm tired of feeling like I regret my whole life

My heart feels like it's bleeding out

I'm so tired of still being so goddamn damaged because of the severe emotional abuse my dad put me through growing up and then pretending like everything is okay between us whenever I see him

I didn't deserve all of this pain and yet I still have to fight through it

I tell myself "I will somehow get through this aswell, just like I always have before"
And I know that I'm right

But how?

How the fuck will I get through this?

I have to find my own way out of this misery but I literally don't know how

And I only have 4 therapy appointments left till my therapy is finished

I'm most likely at the lowest I have ever been

And I'm so tired

I can't carry all of this anymore

But I must

And somehow I will have to work 12 days in a row now at the ambulatory care
(At least work distracts me)

My soul and my arms are scarred

I hate how my life's been feeling lately

I'm pretty sure by now that losing them and the connection we once had and what could've grown out of it is the most painful loss I have ever had to go through

I think the worst part is how exactly one year ago I was the happiest person alive
I was in a healthy, loving relationship
I was so invested in my training to become a nurse
I felt stable and like I was on top of the world
I was excited to be alive
(I don't know where all of this went; it disappeared)

I know that's life, and everything changes
but I didn't know there was a lower state to be reached than the lowest I have ever been in before

I hope I don't have to wait that long anymore until better times will come

I honestly don't know how much longer I can endure feeling this way
(I wouldn't ever kill myself but I'm simply tired of feeling this way every fucking day)

I wish I could cut out my heart and my guts so I wouldn't feel anything anymore

and I wish I could go back in time and relive so many memories
Of people and places that are no longer part of my life.

Revisit times where I had truly known what inner peace and being deeply loved felt like.