Memoires of an everchanging spirit

- tree growing branches -

I feel like I've changed so much

I've been through a shitload of things as of recently

I aged several years in the past 3 months,
like I literally don't relate to being 21 years old anymore

Is this what growing up feels like?

Life gets more and more difficult and real by the day but I feel like I'm growing stronger, too, with every day that passes.

The branches are growing from my tree and the wood is getting thicker

I'm exhausted but I learned not to give up and somehow it's all working out

Everything is figureoutable and I learned how to keep peace and never lose my temper

I also turned very distant,
in a way I have never been before.

And quiet,

But at the same time I'm in full charge of my life now,
not only observing it from the outside anymore

My heart is steady and my mind is rational and detached

I think I've never felt this comfortable and secure in my skin

I radiate strength,
and suddenly people started looking up to me now

If I survived this year so far,
it means I can survive anything to come in the future

No matter what will keep happening,
What disasters will inevitably enter my life,
it can't affect me this deeply anymore

I will get through anything.

Life is horrible but at least I can decide to keep it peaceful and make the best out of it and I think I'm slowly getting good at it

I don't know how I made it
but somehow I make it by,
day by day

And somehow it gets easier

And somehow peace and being alone has never felt this comfortable

It's kinda like a healthy indifference to life,
a certain apathy

I think for the first time in my life,
I'm actually okay with being on my own

Like I'm not exactly happy but I can't complain with how life's been going either

I think I don't ever want to give this autonomy away to anyone again

I don't want anyone to have this much power over me again

Call me emotionally unavailable, but I think that's the best thing that could've happened to me as of recently,
as the walls around my heart have never been thicker and higher
and after all; these walls serve a reasonable purpose

If I'm not being vulnerable;
If I'm not fully trusting people & exposing my heart,
No one can hurt me

I really don't feel like letting anyone that closely into my heart ever again,
I don't need to,
And I think it's better to stay that way for now.