Memoires of an everchanging spirit

INSIDE THE TRAP

[19.11.21]

I FEEL SO DISCONNECTED FROM EVERYONE

EVERYTHING'S SUFFOCATING ME

I FEEL LIKE I'M TRAPPED

EVERYONE'S GONE

I'M SO FUCKING AFRAID OF LOSING THE PEOPLE I LOVE

BUT I'M PUSHING EVERYONE AWAY

I'M SO FUCKING AFRAID

I'M SCARED OF EVERYTHING

I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT GONNA GET TROUGH THIS

I FEEL LIKE RELAPSING

I FEEL LIKE PUNCHING AGAINST WALLS

I FEEL LIKE DROWNING MY BITTER EMOTIONS IN ALCOHOL

I FEEL LIKE SMOKING NON STOP

I JUST WANT TO FEEL ANYTHING BUT AT THE SAME TIME I'M DROWNING IN MY HEAD

I'M DYING INSIDE

MY HEART'S ABANDONING ME

THIS IS ALL TOO MUCH FOR ME RIGHT NOW

I'M TRAPPED IN MY HEAD

I'M FUCKING CLAUSTROPHOBIC

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET TROUGH THIS

I'M SO EASILY IRRITATED AND MY MOODSWINGS ARE GETTING OUT OF HAND

I KNOW THIS IS JUST HOW I FEEL IN THE MOMENT AND EVERYTHING'S GONNA GET BETTER SOON

BUT I FEEL LIKE SHIT

I'M SUFFOCATING

AND I'M SO ANGRY

I'M SO ANGRY AT EVERYONE CLOSE TO ME

BUT I'M MOST ANGRY AT MYSELF AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE THIS ANGER IS COMING FROM AND I LOVE THE PEOPLE CLOSEST TO ME SO MUCH IT HURTS IN MY HEART

AND I CAN'T BEAR THE THOUGHT OF LOSING YOU

I'M SO SCARED OF EVERYONE LEAVING AND I'M SO FUCKING AFRAID OF ENDING THIS YEAR SUICIDAL AGAIN,
AS I DID LAST YEAR

I NEED HELP SO GODDAMN MUCH BUT I DON'T WANT TO BOTHER THE ONES I LOVE

SO I JUST KEEP SILENT

AND I TRY TO FIGURE THIS OUT ON MY OWN

I'M GONNA GET TROUGH THIS

I HAVE TO

IT'S GONNA GET BETTER

AND I'M SO SCARED BUT I HAVE TO TRUST IN MYSELF,
IN MY RESILIENCE,
IN MY INNER STRENGTH

EVEN IF EVERYONE SHOULD LEAVE TOMORROW,
I STILL HAVE MYSELF

I'M GONNA FIGHT TROUGH THIS

THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION

I'M NOT GIVING UP YET.