The Smirking Jerk (Blake's POV)

Chapter 84

Chapter 84

The session I was having with Doctor Boseman was an emergency one, which didn't sound good to begin with, and everyone was just so freaking solemn around me, that I was actually starting to feel about therapy the way I used to.

            I kinda wanted to just make a run for it.

            But I was sitting in the chair, and Doctor Boseman was sitting in front of me, and I'd been enough of a shitty son for the next century, so like, I could power through this.

I should want help. I knew I needed help.

But at the same time, it also felt like this was right for me, to feel this hurt, to hate myself. That was the way I should be feeling and I didn't deserve to feel any other way.

It was suffocating to live in my mind. And I did want a way out of it. Unfortunately, at the moment, the way out of my head wasn't therapy. It was something a little more permanent. 

"I'm not going to ask you how you're doing, because I don't think you want to answer that right now. But I would like for you to explain to me what happened, in your own words, if you're comfortable enough to do that right now," Doctor Boseman asked me gently.

"I guess...." I trailed, and the tried to explain to him, as best as I could without breaking into tears, what had gone down between me and Lexi.

I kinda hated to tell him this because I was just waiting for him to tell me, "I TOLD YOU SO!" He'd hinted at it before, that it was a problem the way I put so much of my happiness on Lexi and that it wasn't healthy. He was right, of course, but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of admitting that out loud.

I just kinda wanted to break everything in the room because he'd been right. Of course he'd been right.

What a fool I had been to think me and Lexi Grayson could ever amount to anything.

I really was a dumbass.

After I was done talking, he just looked at me, nodding, and he put his notepad aside, taking a deep breath before saying, "Thank you for being honest, and I'm proud of you that you managed to do it. None of this is a pleasant experience for you, so I really want you to understand that no one undermines what you're going through. Not your family and friend for wanting you here, and certainly not me. We all want what's best for you, and what's best for you right now, I think, might be to talk about it so we can find a way for you to distance yourself from the bad thoughts as much as we can."

"Sure. And maybe we can bring Lexi in the room too to play devil's advocate and remind you that I'm an awful person who doesn't deserve love or even just the right to explain themselves," I replied in a snarky tone.

My therapist wasn't having my shit though. "I don't think you should be seeing Lexi. I mean, I think what you just said was wrong, absolutely wrong, but that's your prerogative. But I also think you should be staying far from Lexi for the moment being. I'm actually pretty sure it's not going to go well for you if you do. The panic attacks you've been having, they're not just going to disappear."

             "I don't have panic attacks."

"We both know you're smarter than this. You know you've been having panic attacks. Just like we both know you deserve to be loved and that the fact that Lexi didn't let you explain yourself was just an unfortunate moment. You're both teenagers, you both have wild emotions and I think you've both gone through some trauma. I don't know what she'd been through, but I assume you don't either, and that if you did, your opinion of the fight you just had might change. But that's really not what's important right now. I'm not here for her, I'm here to help you."