Sauvage | Jeon Jungkook

Thirty-Four

I honestly thought about taking sick leave for today because I don't feel like going to work. But today is Friday and I will work a half-day, so I decided against it.

I couldn't sleep all night, constantly having to think about yesterday. I still can't grasp what happened and how to feel about it. On one hand, I'm hurt, but on the other hand, I'm just confused.

Not expecting things to escalate so quickly must have put us both in a situation where we both didn't know how to react. I want to know what Jungkook's thoughts were, causing him to leave without saying another word.

I took a shower afterward, thinking that it might help me think, but I left the warm water with even more questions than before. And I can't find an answer to any of those questions because I can't read minds.

Telling Jungkook that I am a virgin was something I had to do because it is what people do when they want to be open and honest with each other. It doesn't make a difference if I'm a virgin or not. But it looks like it does matter to him.

I've never felt so alone after he walked out of my apartment, his expression being the last thing on my mind. I wish he had shared his feelings with me and been as open as I have been.

I can't help but overthink and let my assumptions bring out the worst in me. What if he just didn't find me attractive anymore? What if he didn't want to sleep with me anymore after finding out that I've never done things like that before, thinking that I wouldn't be able to pleasure and satisfy him?

It makes me feel insecure and lacking in a way, even though I know nothing is wrong with me. People have their first time in everything and they can always try to better themselves.

The reason why I haven't been intimate with anyone yet is something I'm not sure of myself. It's not that I planned it that way, but it turned out the way it did. Having sex has never been my priority in a relationship, although I can imagine how beautiful it can be.

Sex is important, yes, but it's not more important than how a person makes you feel. Safety, trust, and respect are what connect us to people and make us choose to stay. You can have sex with anyone, but you can't be in a relationship with everyone.

My past boyfriends never really made me feel comfortable and that led me to reject them whenever they hinted at intimacy. My last boyfriend got mad because I took too long to let him touch me and my ex-boyfriend in high school was obsessed with the idea of becoming my first.

So I can fairly say that neither of them deserved it.

I'm not trying to insult people who have sex with many and random people with no strings attached. Everyone is capable of making their own decisions about their bodies, but waiting for the right moment and the right person has always been my choice.

I want the connection to be there, and passion and more feelings than just simple lust.

But maybe I put too much meaning into something that others take for granted. Maybe I am delusional to think all this.

It's just that society has so much influence on our choices all the time that I don't know anymore if people do some things because they want to or simply because they feel compelled to.

But what has society brought us besides depression and insecurities?

Pushing these thoughts aside, I let out a long sigh and enter the Jeon&Park building. In a way, I am glad that the elevator to the top is entirely empty and that a certain person is not here. Maybe it's childish to think so, but I think I need a little time to process things.