Sauvage | Jeon Jungkook

Thirty-Five

Jungkook

I slam the door shut behind me as indescribable rage travels through my entire body. I am angry at everything, but especially at myself. Normally I can keep my emotions bottled up, but today I let them run wild.

I pace up and down my office, letting out a loud sigh that bounces off the walls and echoes through my ears. The tie around my neck feels so tight I think I'm about to choke, so I loosen it. It hangs around my neck before I unbutton the top two buttons.

I always felt numb, years of practice at hiding feelings have made me who I am today. But as I grew closer to Mikayla, things I didn't even know I could still feel began to surface.

I place my hands on the edge of my wooden desk and let my head hang between my arms. Closing my eyes and breathing deeply is how I usually cope with these overwhelming emotions, but today it doesn't seem to do any good.

She's the one who can keep my broken self in check, the one who manages to make me more than just the empty shell that gets out of bed every day. She's the one whose voice gives me strength, the one who brings life to my dark days with her bubbly personality.

And I've fucked it all up.

I drop back in my chair and throw my head back before closing my eyes. Unintentionally, memories of yesterday and the conversation today flash through my mind and I can't help but feel worse than I do.

I was so ready to eagerly get even closer to her after all this time. Not just physically, but in the most intimate way that exists. I was ready to explore her body, to see new sides of her that I could have only dreamed of.

When she told me she had never had sex with anyone, I was beyond shocked. Not because I minded that she is a virgin. Just the opposite, in fact. I wouldn't have thought that a woman as attractive as Mikayla wouldn't have connected with anyone in that way.

I don't know why, but being told this information made me feel insecure. Everything happened so fast that I went from kissing her at the doorstep to suddenly finding myself sitting on her sofa with her on my lap.

I had so much pending sexual frustration and overall wanting and my longing for her was so great that my head was cloudy and I couldn't think properly. So in a way, I am glad that Mikayla found the courage to share such private things with me in between kisses and touches.

I would never have forgiven myself if I had been guilty of making her regret it afterward because she didn't have the heart to tell me just because I was too impatient to wait.

It has been like this my whole life. Insecurities have screwed up my interactions with people and so many other things. I'm not trying to make excuses for my mistake of hurting her, but maybe that's what I'm doing.

I don't know any better. I've never done better.

I've been in therapy, yes, but it seems like that was only temporary help. Maybe I need to go back to that time and seek help again. I'm tired of my mentality ruining every relationship in my life.

I don't care about others, but Mikayla is important to me.

Maybe she won't understand. The way I reacted, I mean. There are very few people who can form empathy or even know exactly how I feel. I don't wish anyone to go through what I go through on a daily basis, but in a way, it might actually be relieving to know that someone can relate.