(BlackHeart2) BLACKSOUL

Chapter 50

         Two fractured ribs, contusions on 60% of my body, cuts from being dragged on the concrete, a lacerated inner cheek needing stitches, and a sprained ankle. My face was just naturally swollen from the punches and bruised around the eyes, and especially near the mouth and jaw where I cut my cheek with my teeth. 

I was lucky that he didn't break my nose, though it did bleed a lot. I think it's because I blocked my face so much, which is partially why my arms are severely bruised, as is my torso, legs, and back. 

Once they treated me they decided I should stay in the hospital to watch out for any internal bleeding that may occur when the abdomen and torso get struck that way. 

        Elio and Dom never left my side even when I wanted them to. I couldn't look at them. I didn't want them to see me this way. I used to hide my bruises or red marks with make up and clothes...but I can't hide this. 

I can't even take in a large breath without the dizzying pain shooting through my broken ribs. I covered my face with the covers and wouldn't talk to them. Elio kept apologizing to me and Dom kept touching me anyway he could. 

Taking my hand, brushing my knuckles with his thumb. Trying to push back my hair even when my face was covered. He'd rub very lightly on my leg or whatever else he could do.

They asked me to stop hiding, but I wouldn't. 

        The wounds weren't only physical. My psyche broke tonight. The thing I've feared since running away in the first place has finally happened to me. It took 6 years, but he did it. He found me and he beat me the way I knew he wanted to. He said it was ME who was wrong for what I did to HIM. He's delusional. Absolutely deranged. 

He truly believes himself, I don't understand how he does it. He really thinks I'm a bad daughter and a disgrace, and apparently a whore. That's a new one he never accused me of before. 

I told Elio it's not his fault and to stop apologizing, but I could hear the hurt in his voice. Tonight opened an old wound for him too. "I should have done something. You were right Dom. It shouldn't have gotten this far," I heard him whisper to his friend when they thought I was asleep. 

        For 6 years I feared that man would find me. For 6 years I would subconsciously search a space to be sure he wasn't in it. I would hide in my room so I wouldn't upset people. I only just now got brave enough to buy sweatpants and leave a dirty dish in the sink overnight. 

Carlo Fiore really knew how to fuck me up and do it well. I know there are people worse off than me, but he really did mess me up.

It's why I cycle through people and never maintain long term friendships or relationships. 

        I left my high school friends and never talked to them again. I left Kristoff and anyone I made friends with in his world. I went to LA and left them without ever keeping in contact with them. I moved to New York and made friends with the BlackHeart Ink crew and look how shitty I've been keeping in contact with them. 

I went to Paris and made friends and had two amazing bosses. Do I put in enough effort to talk to them or see them? No. Because I can't let myself attach to anything. I don't even realize I'm doing it either. Poor Julien for example. I just detach and leave people to their own feelings about it. 

Maybe I deserve what Dom did to me. He was finally the first person I wanted to attach myself to long term and he walked out on me. He did to me what I do to everyone else. I deserve this.

        When I needed to use the restroom and had to have the nurses help me get there, I asked the guys to leave. And when I finished in the bathroom I asked the nurses to keep them out. I said I don't want any visitors. I feel ashamed, embarrassed. I want to be alone.