EX // Minsung

15. I forgive you

"First of all," Minho started, "I'm more than sorry about kissing you and your best friend, Sam."

Jisung looked down at his hands. He still wanted to yell at Minho, but he had promised to listen this time.

"I'm sorry for being rude to you and I'm sorry for hanging with other boys." Now Minho really sounded like he was going to cry.

Jisung looked up at Minho, because he didn't understand. What did Minho mean? Why was he sorry about hanging with other boys? What did that have to do with Jisung?

"I guess I'll have to start from the very beginning for this to all make sense." Minho turned his head away again. He didn't look uncomfortable, not necessarily. But he did look shameful and embarrassed.
"Ever since I was a child, I was more into boys than girls. I definitely like both, but I think I like boys more. My mom was very protective of me, but it didn't mean that she could accept me. My dad has always hated it, he has always hated me." Jisung could see Minho tear up again when he mentioned his dad. They weren't sad tears though, they were angry tears.

"Because of them, especially my dad. I thought it was better to ignore that side of me, I pretended it didn't exist. For a while it worked and I mostly dated girls. In that period my dad didn't mind me too much, but then my mom passed away last year."

Jisung realised he was getting the full version of what Lewis tried to tell him earlier.

"I happened to be secretly seeing a guy back then. My dad found out and was enraged. And I guess with all the grief he was dealing with and then me that he had to deal with, he exploded. He beat me straight into a hospital."

Jisung instinctively placed his hand on Minho's hand to console him. Minho grabbed Jisung's hand too.

"I really didn't want to live anymore back then, but luckily Lewis and Chris pulled me through. They're really the best friends I have, especially Lewis."

Jisung was wondering what this had to do with the way Minho acted towards him and Sam, but he patiently waited for him to explain.

"I just thought it would be better if I didn't date guys anymore. It's just trouble and I guess my father's words got to me, and I started believing them. I thought that I was disgusting and weird. And then I saw you and Sam kiss at the party."

Jisung felt bad for Minho, he wanted to hug him and comfort him, but he was not in a position to do that right now.

"All sorts of feelings went through me, I was disgusted because that is what I had been taught to be. But I was also jealous. Jealous that other people could kiss boys and not get in trouble and that other people could kiss pretty boys just because they desired."

Jisung noticed that Minho squeezed his hand and it seemed like Minho himself didn't even notice. It must've been hard for him to talk about this.

"Lewis talked some sense into me, he told me I should apologise to you and come to terms with my own feelings. That was the hardest thing for me to do, but I also wanted to do so, I wanted to love like that too. That's why I kissed you when we were in lockdown. It was selfish and I'm so sorry for the way I treated you."

Minho wasn't finished yet, but Jisung really needed to say something. Even if he had nothing to say, he didn't want Minho to feel like this. Not after all that he has been through.

"It's okay," Jisung said, "what about Sam?"

"I never planned on doing that," Minho didn't dare to look Jisung in his eyes while they talked about that, "I'm so sorry Jisung. It could have been anyone and I'm so sorry it had to be Sam. I was getting back into discovering myself and that maybe it was okay to kiss boys too. I shouldn't have kissed Sam though, especially not against his will. I thought it would feel good."

Jisung hesitated, but he asked anyway, "And... did it feel good?"

"God, Jisung, no. It felt awful when I realised what I had done. It's like someone else took over and I just couldn't controle myself. I don't want to be that kind of person, I don't want to be any person. Jisung, I really don't want to deal with being me anymore. I hate myself."

That was it for Jisung. When he saw tears fall from Minho's eyes, he couldn't hold himself back anymore. He leaned in and gave Minho the tightest hug he could.
"You'll be okay Minho, don't worry." Jisung said, squeezing Minho.

"Why are you so kind to me? After all that I did to you and your friend?" Minho couldn't hold back anymore and sobbed into Jisung's arms. Saying that he was sorry over and over again, while clinging onto Jisung.

Jisung was what you called a 'social crier', if someone else cried, he cried with them. So when Minho burst out in tears, Jisung's heart felt heavy and he let his own tears fall too.
When they both had calmed down a little, Jisung spoke up again.

"But it did work, didn't it? I saw you dating other guys again, you looked happy." Jisung pulled away from Minho and wiped his own tears. Minho did the same.

"I guess, but I wasn't happy at all. It doesn't feel good, it's not the same." Minho said.

"Not the same as what? as girls?"

"As you." Minho anwered softly, barely loud enough for Jisung to hear.

"As... me?"

Minho nodded, "I tried to flirt with other guys and I tried to date them, but I'm just not interested in them anymore. I'm also not interested in girls anymore. God, this is going to sound so perverted, but touching them is not the same as touching you. Holding their hand and touching their hair feels so foreign. I've been so frustrated lately, because all I wanted to do was be with you. But you hate me and I have myself to blame for that." Minho pulled his hand away from Jisung's and tried to distance himself as much from Jisung as possible.

"I don't hate you, not anymore." Jisung reached for Minho again. Minho let Jisung take his hand again.

"Why? You should hate me, I'm awful."

"How could I hate you after all that you just told me, it couldn't have been easy to pour your heart out like that." Jisung didn't want to admit it, but he felt the butterflies rise again. He knew that all this time he had secretly still liked Minho. How could he not? Even though it was wrong, his crush had kissed him and he was onehundred percent guilty of losing himself for a second in that moment. And now Minho sat there and told him something personal that Jisung knew he hadn't told many.

"I would appreciate it if you kept the thing with my dad between us. Only Lewis knows about everything I just told you." Minho thought for a moment, "I guess you can tell Sam, that's fine. I can't make right what I did and I don't expect him to accept my apology, but he deserves to know everything."

Jisung squeezed Minho's hand, "Just so you know, I do accept your apology. It doesn't mean I want to become friends again, but I want you to know that I forgive you. You don't deserve all of the hurt either, so don't blame yourself for too long. I'll talk to Sam, I think he will understand."

"Thank you, Jisung."