EX // Minsung

30. It just hurts

"Minho... no, what do you mean?" Jisung tried to reach out to Minho again, but Minho turned away.

"I heard what Lewis said and he's right about Yeonwoo's perspective. I can't do that to you, I won't let myself do that to you."

"Minho, you know I-"

"Jisung stop! It's already too hard. I don't want you to become lonely and isolated like Yeonwoo. We can't even be comfortably together and you know it!"

The words cut through Jisung's heart. He wanted to do everything we could to keep Minho, words barely came out.

"I'm not- I won't be- MINHO I LOVE YOU!" Jisung recoiled by hearing his own words. This was the first time he had said that he loved Minho to his face. He had never wanted it to happen like this, why couldn't it happen at a more romantic time? Why did it have to be while Minho was trying to break up with him?

But then he realised he hadn't asked himself the most important question yet. Why did I not say it sooner?
It filled Jisung with regret to let it out like this, he should've said it sooner. It was too late now.

"I can't let you do that." Those were the last words Minho said before leaving. When the door closed behind Minho, the entire room fell silent. Only a thud was heard when Jisung sank to the ground. His knees on the floor, one hand clutching his heart as if it had fallen out.

Jisung felt like he couldn't get any air. His lungs felt pierced, just like his heart.
He kept gasping for air, thinking he might never breathe again. Instead of on his knees, he was now curled up in a ball, desperately trying to breathe in.
I'll die, I'll just die. I'd rather die, I think I'm dying anyway.
Jisung thought he might faint again, but it just didn't happen. He was begging to all the gods to just relieve him of his suffering.
I hate Minho. I love him but I hate him. I need to talk to him. I never want to see him ever again. Fuck Yeonwoo, fuck that stupid boy.
Jisung felt like he might never breathe again. The air he inhaled seemed to get stuck in his throad instead of flowing through his lungs.
He didn't know how long he had been like this, he also didn't hear the door close and he definitely didn't realise how tightly he had been grabbing his hair until someone said, "Hey! Hey, Jisung! Look at me! Please let go of your hair."
Jisung didn't look up, he couldn't. He recognised the voice but he couldn't place it, he was too lost in his own thoughts.
"Fuck." That was all Jisung was able to mutter out. Though it wasn't much, it vaguely made Jisung realise that it meant there was in fact air in his lungs. If he could say something, he could breathe.
"Jisung! Jisung can you repeat me? We'll do it together okay?"
Jisung managed to look up this time, still gasping, hyperventilating and crying. He cried even louder at the sight of his best friend sitting in frong of him.
"Help." Jisung grasped Sam's shirt desperately.
"Can you breathe with me? Repeat me okay?" Sam wrapped his hands around Jisung's hand on his shirt. "Inhale." Sam inhaled deeply, hoping Jisung would follow. Jisung tried his best and took a big shaky breath. "Breathe out." They both let out their breaths.
They did it together about ten more times until Jisung could breathe on his own again.

When Sam saw Jisung was going to be okay again he immediately pulled him in for a hug. "I was so scared, I thought you were having a heartattack."
Jisung nodded while he sobbed into Sam's shirt. He didn't know if he couldn't speak or if he didn't want to yet, but either way Jisung kept quiet. He wanted to say how scared he had been, how much he thought he was dying and that he thought he might never breathe again. He said nothing, he just let himself be comforted by Sam.

"Thank you." Jisung finally said when words came back to him.

"I'm here for you." Sam's hand caressed Jisung's hair. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Jisung shook his head, "water?"

"I'll get it for you, just sit down on the couch first."

Sam helped Jisung to the couch even though Jisung probably could've done it himself by now. Jisung mindlessly stared in front of him while Minho's words came back to him.

Sam handed the glass of water to Jisung and sat down next to him. Jisung took the glass and drank until the glass was empty. When he put the glass down on the table it left wet circle behind.

"I want to get out of here." Jisung said, not looking at Sam.

"Do you want to go on a walk?"

Jisung nodded, "not here though, let's go somewhere farther."

Neither Jisung or Sam had their driver's license, let alone a car, so they took their bikes to the nearest busstation and went from their on.
The entire ride Jisung just stared out of the window, watching how the familiar background changed into an unfamiliar one.

When the two boys got off the bus they walked into the forest. It was a quiet day and even though it was sunny there was almost no one in the forest. Maybe a few people walking their dogs, but that was it.
Jisung knew he should probably say something to Sam by now, he had been quiet for about an hour now. When Jisung looked at Sam to say something, it was like Sam already knew.

"Don't. You don't have to say something you're not ready to say just because you feel sorry towards me." Sam said to Jisung. "Clearly something really bad happened and if you're not ready to talk about it, you shouldn't."

Jisung linked his arm into Sam's arm.
"Thank you." Jisung didn't just mean thank you for saying that. He meant thank you for everything. Thank you for being my best friend. Jisung thought.

"It's okay, that's what best friends are for. Do you just want to walk for a while? Tell me if you get tired, we'll head back then."

Jisung wanted to say he was already tired. Too tired to exist. But instead he just nodded and they walked deeper into the forest together.

Sometimes Sam would crack a joke or point out some pretty flowers on the way. Jisung smiled politely, wishing he could mean it and that Sam didn't have to keep making attempts to cheer him up. He hated feeling like he bothered Sam by being sad, but he knew he couldn't help it. Where once his heart was, was now a big black void. It was like he could physically feel the absence of the organ. He knew it wasn't possible, but something was definitely missing inside of him.
Sam must have noticed Jisung's shaky hands and his heavy breaths.

"I know that a while ago I said you shouldn't talk about if you're not ready, but..." Sam hesitated. "But if maybe you just need to empty the thoughts in your brain to get rid of them?"

"Sam?"

"Yes?"

"Minho broke up with me."