Multifandom Imagines (and a Headcanon set here and there)

Carried With Me 2.0 - Gil Grissom Self-Therapy Fic

(A/N:  No, this is not a continuation of the previous version.  These are completely unrelated.  I am titling them the same because they have the same theme. And as always I'm using (y/n) because I don't want to use my real name.  Warnings: ...okay I don't even know how to warn about this one. Toxicity, corruption, maybe derangement, just general harmful mental illness. I mean, MAJOR harmful mental illness.)

I stalked to the break room with my head down, my soured mood reflected on my face. Gil had gently prodded me to go and get something sweet to eat or drink to make myself feel better.

Nick was playing a video game. As I walked in, I heard him say, "Oh- aw, I died."

"Good. I really couldn't care less," I shot.

He turned to me in offence and horror. "Hey now, what's the matter with you?!"

"She's just come from having to visit her parents; that's why she's so snippy," came Gil's voice from the doorway, with Nick and I turning to look at him; he was holding his mug in his hand, which means he had emptied it and was coming to get a refill.

"Yeah but that doesn't mean she should take it out on me!"

"Nick's right," I said to Gil; the younger man looked at me with concerned shock.

Gil just sighed with a sad smile, shaking his head. "Yes, but that doesn't mean you have to go on being like this," he said peaceably. "Apologise to Nick, now." He did not mean 'now' as part of his gentle command, but he was just using it as an additive to his sentence.

"I don't want to," I said, looking down. I did not really feel sorry so I did not want to state it. I still wanted to feel angry and hurt and hurtful. The self-loathing for being mean to an innocent friend could have its way with me later. Right then, it was the time to make everyone else mad at me for no reason, so that it would be all the worse for me, which I toxically craved.

Gil and Nick frowned worriedly; they knew I did not mean what I said about not being remorseful, and they knew what I wanted to do to myself.  Gil was the one to speak up.  "Well, you can do that later then. Right now, why don't you get yourself a snack, then come with me to my office."

"Why?" I ground out, both in rebellion and in genuine enquiry as to why he would care about me.

"Because you need to rest.  You need to recover from this."

"No I don't."  That came out a lot less harsh than I wanted it to.  As much as I wanted to be bitter and defiant, I was finding it very hard to do so with his calm, kind, caring voice spoken at me, contradicting my own and almost making it match that of his.  Seeing as I was not going to do anything of my own volition, he wordlessly grabbed a handful of sweets from the bowl and pressed them into my hand, to which I smiled sheepishly. He then opened the fridge and got out the mug of chocolate which I kept in there and handed it to me as well. I held it and watched him as he refilled his tea, then he came over to me and gently took me by the arm just above my elbow, escorting me to his office.  When we got there, he pushed on my arm so that I would sit on his couch.  He sat down next to me. I pointedly avoided his gaze, too ashamed to face him.

I heard the soft smacking of his mouth as he opened it to speak. "It's alright...(y/n).  It's all.  Right."  I stayed still and silent.  "I mean it," he said when I did not respond. I hung my head, not finding it in myself to believe him.  I felt him inch closer on the seat, until his body was pressed to mine.  Even when I tensed up, he lay his head on my shoulder and wrapped his arm around me, pressing a kiss into my neck, rubbing his hand up and down my arm, comforting me.  He did not stop until he felt me relax.  Then, he kissed my neck again, burying his fluffy beard into my skin.  I smiled ever so slightly, my eyes squinting as I suppressed my tears, my heart aching.  "It's all right..." he whispered again, nuzzling his beard up my neck to my cheek.  I let out a soft, trembling sigh. He kissed my cheek, and then he put his lips near my ear. "Feelin' any better?" he whispered.

"A little bit I guess..." I muttered.

The hand that had been on my arm gestured to my beverage. "Drink up," he said, a little louder since he had moved his head away from mine. With my mind blank and prone to suggestion, I subconsciously raised the vessel to my lips and took a drink. Gil backed away from me to partake in his own as well.

For a while, the two of us just did this; sitting quietly, drinking our beverages and eating sweets.  We did not speak until we had consumed whatever we had on hand.  By then, I was feeling considerably better, and I cleared my throat sheepishly to get his attention.  He smiled at me, raising his eyebrow.  I looked down and away out of shyness.  "I, uh...I..."

"It's okay if you don't know how to say it.  I know what you mean," he said.  And this was something I did not have any doubt about; we were very good at understanding what each other wanted to put across non-verbally.  He reached his hand to mine and took my mug, deliberately brushing his fingers against mine; I relished the touch.  "Go and find Nick."  With that gentle instruction, I got to my feet and left the office.

I found my colleague in the locker room, putting on his jacket.  "Nick..." I said tentatively, not quite looking at him.

"What is it?"  he asked genially, straightening the front of his jacket.

I shifted my weight from foot to foot for a few seconds.  Then, I wordlessly stepped forwards and held my hand out to him, still not facing Nick.  The pressure of his hand wrapping around mine relieved that in my chest.  I gripped his hand in response, and we shook hands.  I finally looked up at him in surprise when he put his other hand on mins, to see his forgiving smile.  I smiled shyly and bowed my head.  We let our hands go and looked at each other.  Then, Nick lifted his arms out in front and to his sides; I accepted his invitation, stepping towards him and leaning my body against his, wrapping my arms around his face.  It was a brief but loving embrace.  When we pulled apart and looked at each other, I finally had to courage to say, "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it," he grinned.  He went back to getting things from his locker.  "I'm going to revisit my scene.  You wanna join me for a ride?"  Nick asked.

I smiled in shy gratitude.  "I'd like that."  I opened my locker.  Nick finished up first and patiently waited for me.  We walked out together.  We passed the break room where Gil had gone to clean out the mugs.  Gil and I smiled at each other.  I signed, "Thank you," but he just swept his hand across the air in front of him, indicating for me to 'forget it'.