Multifandom Imagines (and a Headcanon set here and there)

I've never been perfect, but neither have you - sad Gil Grissom self-insert

(A/N:  In case anyone decides to read this mess of a story, here's the warnings list - self-loathing, depression...anything in that general direction tbh.  As for the title, don't put too much weightage on the perspective.  It's just what I used for Gil to express that neither of us are perfect and he doesn't expect me to be.  Fic below:)

Starting out, I admired Gil from afar.  Having feelings for my best friend was nothing new to me; I always developed romantic attachments to anyone who so much as treated me with basic decency.  Putting it down as yet another whimsical attraction, I simply went about being his friend while trying my best to act like I did not fantasise about him holding me and kissing my face.  The only daunting thing was that he was my best friend, and I did not want to cross any boundaries because I cherished him very dearly, but it was easy to carry on as his friend because, well, that's how we'd always been.

But, as time went on, I realised - to my devastating shock and horror - that this was different.  While I was used to daydreaming about my crushes being with me, I'd never found myself actively hoping for it to happen (with the exception of when I was sad and wished for them to comfort me).  I did not seek their hand to whole just because, I did not yearn to watch a movie with them on the couch of the home we shared together, or have any measure of domesticity with them.  I did not take the songs we mutually connected with and perceived them as love songs, even though they were NOT that at all.  While the notion of my friends getting hurt or dying scared me of course, I did not get nightmares about them dying in dramatic ways to the point where they were debilitating and I woke up crying for hours.  And, I did not get jealous when my crushes had girlfriends, but though Gil was single, I did get so when he was tender with the other members of our team under his care - that was what I felt the worst about.

Yes...it took a lot for me to admit to myself, but...I was in love.  With Gilbert Arthur Grissom.  Oh no.

Of course I loved Gil, and I loved loving Gil as my friend but...to be in love with him?  Who was I to expect that I had any chance with him?  Who I was I to think that I even deserved him?  I already knew that I didn't even deserve to have friends, to have people who cared about me, and now THIS?  Fuck my life.

Worst of all, my detestable feelings not only took a toll on my relationships with my colleagues but even with Gil himself as well - in the past, I was always extremely comfortable with him, more than I had ever been with anyone.  But as I hated myself more, and became more afraid of him and my feelings for him, I could not even look him in the eye.  Whenever he entered a space I was in I nipped out as quickly as I could...and if he had intended to talk to me he called me back and confronted me about it with no hidden amount of hurt in his face and voice that made my heart ache, especially when his pained eyes pierced through my soul.  And I looked back at him always on the verge of crying.  But the most painful of all was when he questioned me, I couldn't answer - a deep fall from him being someone with whom I once shared everything.

Of course our colleagues noticed.  Sara and Catherine were the ones to confront me about it; girl talk and all that.  They had a sit down with me in the break room, and with the proper conversing, out came my confession:  my affections, and my conflictions.  "Well...if you know you can share everything with him then, why not this too?"  Sara asked.

"...because I don't deserve him..."  I sniffled into my hands.

"Yes you do," came Gil's voice from the doorway.  I froze.  So he had heard everything.  I felt him walk closer as he asked, "May we be alone?"  They left.  He came up next to me, bent down and...nuzzled the side of my face, before kissing it.  "Hey..."  he said softly.  The tenderness, from him, made me cry even more.  He put his arm around me as he lowered himself onto the seat next to me and confessed, "...I also the same as you.  I didn't want to tell you because I felt I don't deserve you."

"B...but..."

"Think:  you feel connected to me because you know how I feel.  ...I wanna share this with you, too.  Please?"  Too teary for anything else, I could only weakly nod.  After some thought, he said  "...Come home with me today.  Spend the night.  You need to get away from your house.  You've been overwhelmed and I don't want you hurting yourself."  I was powerless to resist.

And that was how I ended up in bed with him after shift, cuddling and crying into him as he held me.  Once my eyes were dry, he took off his shirt; I dove into his body hair and played with it until I fell asleep.