Multifandom Imagines (and a Headcanon set here and there)

Forgetting... - Gil Grissom Self-Therapy fic

(A/N: Warning - the premise of this fic is based on suicidal intent. If this content is disturbing/triggering/harmful to you in any way, don't read this.

This is a really personal piece, so I wrote it in first person's point of view.  But I used (y/n) instead of my name, because I don't want to tell it.)

Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are...
I can't be who you are

It was under an hour to the end of a slow shift at the lab. I had cleaned out my locker, taking the last of my belongings with me and leaving it as if nobody had ever used it, as if my presence had never been there. I made my way to my supervisor's office and tentatively approached him. "Grissom." My voice was weak, and there seemed to be a high-pitched rolling sound to my utterance, due to the saliva in my throat from the imminent sobs I was keeping down.

He turned his handsome face up from his writing, his glasses adorably perched on his nose, his grey hair and beard framing his face the way I knew and loved, his storm blue eyes looking at me with concern; internally, I smiled a sad smile, because this was the last time I would see it, see him.  "Yes?"  My heart stung at the softness and care in his voice.  But I took a little comfort in the fact that he was the last person I would ever speak to.

"I'm leaving now.  I don't want to work anymore," I told him.

He nodded his head a few times; he likely thought I meant I was clocking out for the morning.  He was definitely thinking that tiredness was one of the reasons why I was so poorly.  "Of course.  Go and rest."

I handed him a folded piece of paper. "Could you read this to everyone I addressed? But uh, give me a twenty minute head-start." I smiled grimly at the last part. He took the paper from me. I tried to memorise and relish the light contact we made when his finger brushed against my skin, but it was too brief and too little. "And...please don't read it first." My smile turned to one of pained begging.

He looked me in the eyes. "I promise I won't."

Still with my smile, I gave a shallow, stiff nod. I remained looking at him for a few moments longer, to be met with an open, questioning face, along with his eyebrow raise, since he thought that there was something else I wanted to say. But, all I really wanted was to look at him one last time. I shook my head to pull myself out of it, at least for the time being. I held my hand out to him. "Can I shake your hand?" I asked, wanting to at least make the contact from earlier more tangible. He willingly did as I asked, thinking nothing of it.  When we let go, one side of my mouth turned up in an agonised smile.  "Goodbye Gil," I said, wanting to call him by his first name for the first and only time.  "Take care.  And uh, I love you," I told him, passing off my endearment as being platonic, when I meant it in a different way entirely.

He nodded.  "I love you too."  Since that made me feel like crying, I turned and left before he could see me.  I headed to my house.

Twenty minutes later, Grissom had the CSIs gather in the break room.  He informed them, "(Y/n) wants me to read this letter to all of you."  They nodded.  He began, "Dear..." He paused his reading and momentarily lifted his gaze to look at the other people and gesture around to them.  "I'm sorry I wasn't able to write a letter to each of you personally. I tried, but, like with everything else, I failed." Grissom frowned, but did not really think on it because he was used to the self-depreciation. "I don't know that I can even say much in this generic letter-" The people he was reading to heard his voice catch in his throat; they knew how much he cared about the one who had written the letter.  Grissom swallowed painfully and braved himself to carry on, "-because I have never been good with words.  I'll cut to the chase:  I'm writing to say goodbye-" He pressed his fist to his mouth to stifle his emotion.