"Agency Scum"

Sewer Monster

// warnings for blood, gore

Previously...

    "I don't mean to bother but earlier with them agents, when he mentioned your rap sheet, what was he talking about?"

     A shiver went down my spine as he said that, as I realized I would have to owe up to all I've done to someone I'd started to care about in terms of how they saw me.
How was I to do that, when I couldn't even confess those same crimes to myself?

—————————————————————-
We continue

"What's it to you?" I barked back, immediately taking the defensive. What would he think of me if I told the whole story?

"Hey there- I was just curious, no need to spill the beans if you don't want to mate"

As the seconds ticked by with no response, a growing sense of guilt settled in my stomach. Although the room was enveloped in a tranquil darkness I could feel Dimitris body heat inch closer to my icy figure. It was still dreadfully cold, and the cold sweat I had earlier certainly didn't help.

I struggled to think about it- and after a few more silent moments I decided to just not say anything at all. I had been doing a pretty good job pushing it to the back of my mind so far- all of the lives I'd personally snuffed out along the way.
Otherwise those thoughts would eat me whole and the guilt would be unbearable. Talking about it, even if it was with Dimitri, would just bring it all up again. And make it that much more real in my mind.

With that I shrugged and turned to face him. "I don't really want to talk about it" I mumbled, a bit worried he wouldn't take that as an answer. They certainly wouldn't back home.

    But instead of asking more questions he smiled,  "Yea yea I know that feelin'. Know it all too well."

    He shifted so that he laid on his back, staring at the low ceiling of our little cave.
    "I may not know exactly what you're goin through, but I can maybe understand, yea?"

I looked down at him as he stared off into space as if recalling something unpleasant.
"Yknow when you asked about where I was from, there was some stuff I'd left out. I have my reasons but, not all of it was good. I guess you could say we've both been in uh- messy situations"

What did he mean by that? Whatever he did, it surely couldn't be worse than me. Nothing could.

"Now I may not be able to understand all of it but- I can understand the pain of leavin home" his eyes met mine and in that moment I could feel the air leave my lungs again. Ugh what was wrong with me!

"I know it ain't easy- leaving everything you know behind. And I also know you don't get there without spilling' blood. Hell I've done some real regrettable shit to get to where I am today. We do what we have to do to survive out here Yknow? It may not be easy now but,,, it'll get easier"

I listened quietly, not having the energy to think of something to say. Were my actions even excusable under the circumstances of survival?
I bet those four + people I'd killed would say otherwise. But they also really didn't have a say anymore now did they.

My sore chest rose and sunk with a sigh. This wasn't exactly easy stuff to think about, And on top of it all my burns were starting to ache again- probably from all the running.
Although we sat in silence, my thoughts were anything but. I guess what Dimitri was trying to tell me was that- whatever I did- it was okay. And to a certain degree he was right. Sorta.
Everything I'd done was done in a sick and twisted version of self defense- more or less.