where I should've been (EDITING)

chapter 31

Petra's pov:

     My hands shaking controllably as I opened the letter.

    I opened the envelope and brought the letter out.

  And started reading it.

Dear Petra,
        By the time you get this letter I would already be gone. I tried my best to love you back the way you did,but I couldn't. I have come to a realization that I would never be  a lesbian like you.

         Everytime you touch me I feel disgusted with myself. The only reason I put up with as a means of saying thankyou for what you did for me. I'm forever grateful for that. You forced me into doing things I didn't want to. I had to do what you wanted. because all my life I've been taught to please others first, before pleasing myself.

      I think the debt I owed you have been paid, that's why I had to leave. I couldn't spend one more day with you. You make me sick anytime yourearound me( respectfully). So now,it's time to take my daughter and leave before you corrupt her with homosexuality. You can go corrupt other girls with your immoral ways, but not me and my child. Don't try looking for me, it will take years,for this grave sin I've committed to wash away. Goodbye forever.

                                              Vanessa.
                                      

   (A/N:this letter is so silly.)

    
     My heart sank as I finished reading the letter. I had been forcing myself on her all this while. She did all she did just because I was a pushy brat who wants everything in her sight.

     She couldn't even do this via phonecall. Because I'm not worth spending another minute with.

    "I refuse to believe this. Thus wasn't written by Vanessa." My mother said shaking her head.

   "It's her mom, who else would write this? Afterall everything In this letter is through" I said sobbing again.

    "I'm really sorry Petra" Maddy said coming to hug me.

   "I'm a worthless piece of shit. Forcing myself on someone cos of my selfish desires. She left just like the rest of them." I sobbed hard. I have had bad experiences in dating too.

     All the girls that dated me was either for money,sex or fame. I was like a game to all of them. My father would always tell me I was worthless that's why I can't keep any single of them.

     Now I knew my father never lied. I helped a woman in need but selfishly forced my way to her not ever thinking if she felt forced or not.

     I should know love doesn't exist for people like me. What was I thinking? How can someone like Vanessa fall for a cold hearted person who kills people if she doesn't get her way.

    "You did nothing wrong petra, stop beating yourself up. Vanessa is the worthless homophobic piece of shit for not seeing you for who you really are." Laurel said angrily. If we had knew where Vanessa was I'm sure she would have gone there to kill her this minute.

    But after all what she did,i still don't want her dead. She made me feel again, after all those years. Just seeing her make my worries vanish. I don't know how I'm gonna cope now that she left.

   "We are not sure this was written by Vanessa. What if she actually is in danger?"

    "She's not. And who could possibly write this? Her husband can't come out of hiding. It's her mom! How did we not notice she was a pretending bitch all along? Playing to be innocent. Fucking Charmeleon." Laurel spat angrily.

   "Laurel Enough! You guys should leave. I want to be alone."  I said angrily.

    "I'm sorry-

    "Its enough, now all of you leave. Thank you for coming but I want to be alone right now." I said getting comfortable on my bed.

    They nodded and left. My mom kissed my forehead and left.

   I broke down crying uncontrollably on my bed. This hurts ten times more than my other failed relationship.

   Why did I fall in love with her in the first place.

   "WHYYY!!!" I screamed out, before realizing I was alone.

    The pain is so unbearable. I got up from my bed, I collected my car keys.

    I drove to a random bar and ordered 12 shots of tequila. I plan on drinking my pain away. I vowed never to let myself get hurt again,but look where I am now. It hurts so fucking much.

   I downed all of them and asked for more. The bartended refused. I grabbed his throat squeezing and ordered 5 more shots. He nodded and scurried off.

     "What is a pretty lady like you doing in a bar crying?" A dude said checking me out.

    "Fuck off!"

    "Oouuu feisty. You should know I love them feisty." He said smirking and coming closer to me.

   I grabbed his head and started smashing it on the empty shot glasses on the counter, screams where heard all over the bar as the music stopped.

   I looked at the guy and saw broken glasses all over his face some went through his eyes. I hit his head on the counter one more time and pushed his lifeless body in the floor. I spat on him and walked out of the empty bar before the police got there.

     I got into my car, I couldn't see clearly but I knew the place I was going. Like the back of my palm.

    Cass' house.

    I know I'm gonna regret it in the morning. But right now, I need something to take my mind off this pain,even if it's just for a few hours.