Here We Stand [H.S]

115.*

I watched as the minutes on the clock literally slowly ticked by.

It was 2am in the morning, and I wasn't even tired even though my brain actually was- so I couldn't sleep even if I wanted too because my body clock was still wide awake.

To be totally, truthfully honest, I hadn't been able to sleep because apart from worrying about Harry (which we had now dealt with) I was also desperately trying to mentally finish off my work while also wanting to be close to him again- intimately speaking.

I didn't want to seem like I was some sort of nympho, that eats, breathes and lives for sex, because I wasn't.

I was just missing Harry, how we were together in bed and how intimate we once were.

I mean, we could live without sex- he went on tour for five weeks while I stayed in the UK for example.

But while we were together and he was laying beside me each night, I found myself day dreaming about it, often playing it over so much in my mind that I'd end up so horny I could barely walk without changing my underwear first.

My sex drive had always been insatiable, and matched with Harry, we were a match made in heaven- but now I found myself ready to play and to make love again, and he didn't.

It had been literally just over two weeks since our visit at Liam and Phoebe's place, and the revelation that took place in our bathroom thereafter.

For the time being, sex hadn't even crossed any of our minds because of everything that we had gone through.

But now that I was healed and had gotten the all clear from the doctor, I was ready to get intimate with Harry again.

Only every time I initiated or tried to make a move, he would gently push me back, saying he couldn't just yet.

At first I was supportive, giving him the space and time he needed to get his head around the whole thing.

We had briefly discussed that we would like to try again, but the fact that this time was now upon us deemed it all the more frightening for him I guessed.

Not to mention that Oscar had been a surprise and I had gotten pregnant naturally, so it made us hopeful that we could do it naturally again- if we wanted too.

I was mindful and careful enough not to push him, because the miscarriage itself reminded us of the strength of our relationship and what we had gone through together, supporting one another through it all without driving each other bat shit crazy.

But I was still missing Harry so very much, even though he was laying right beside me, fast asleep.

I laid back, watching him sleep beside me, his hair tucked behind his ear while the rest of it panned all around his face and pillow, his heavily inked left arm safely tucked under it.

He looked so beautiful as he slept, not that he didn't look beautiful anyway, but when he slept he was vulnerable and at peace it seemed.

This is when I stared at him the most, watching him breathe beside me, his heart beating slowly underneath his skin, his chest rising and falling with every ounce of oxygen he took into his lungs... the way his jaw tightened when he was dreaming.

He was just perfect to look at and watching him sleep, made me think about the day that we had been given the all clear by the doctor.

It was then that I was told I was all "clean" from the pregnancy; and Harry and I went home empty and broken hearted once again, our future ripped wide open as it dawned on us once and for all that we were no longer pregnant.