Here We Stand [H.S]

117.*

We laid in bed in silence, neither of us making an obvious move, until I coughed and looked at the clock.

"It's getting late."

Harry murmured back in response, as I fiddled with the pattern on my vest top.

Our night together so far had passed in a mixture of elation, awkwardness, happiness... and sadness.

I couldn't get rid of the pain in my chest, the image of his face was burned behind my eyelids every time I closed my eyes.

Not to mention hearing his voice ringing out the heartbroken words that had tortured me repeatedly these last couple of hours.

I felt hollow, like I had nothing inside me anymore, and the realisation was, I had no idea that he had been feeling like this either... I had no idea he was feeling this broken about our sex life.

And I had never felt so drained in all my life.

But, we had managed to turn a corner once before, we had done a complete 360 thanks to his idea of taking me out to dinner; and I knew we could do it again.

It was just going to take time, and I knew I could do nothing but be patient with Harry with regards to our intimacy.

We were never going to have sex tonight, that much was evident, but we had started something... something that he clearly still wasn't ready for yet- not even after our short spurt make out session.

Maybe we did need more time, or perhaps we weren't just ready yet.

However, Harry took this as another knock to his confidence and seemed to be living in a war inside his own head as we laid here together in silence.

"Izzy..." he whispered softly, but I didn't answer him; "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for letting you down."

Instead, I sat still, overthinking everything as this life force, Harry's life force, had the ability to lift me up off the floor bringing me to life, being the centre of everything around me... and now, all that energy dissipated.

It was almost like he resembled a balloon, a tiny leak in his skin slowly draining him of everything he held inside.

I could have tried to patch up the hole to repair the leak and keep him going, but he wasn't ever going to be the same again... there would still be that patch, the reminder of the impact of losing our baby boy in our lives.

And that's when I realised that he was hurting just as much as I was, it was just I was better at handling it.

"It's okay, baby." I reassured him, "You didn't let me down, Harry."

But I don't think he believed me.

I had never met anyone in my life who had such an impact on my life as Harry had.

He came in like a force, and without him I felt empty.

He was always on my mind, and without him I felt incomplete... and I couldn't stop thinking about his words.

All the things he said to me regarding losing Oscar, it was as if his words fell right out of a fucking Nicholas Sparks novel that had me falling apart on the inside with each word.

"All the money, the cars, the lifestyle, my career... I'd give it all up just to have our baby back, Iz."

I felt my face crumble and the tears return as his words ran through my head like subtitles to our sadness.

I began to cry again, my body shaking as I couldn't catch my breath.

"Izzy, I'm sorry." He croaked, "I fucked up again and I hate myself for this... I hate myself for hurting you, and I hate myself for fucking up once again."