Unhappy Endings

160: Suffering

As you sat in your home on Spinner's End, you couldn't help but notice there was a cold air between you and your husband. With all your might, however, you couldn't bring yourself to say anything. In fact, it felt as though all the possibility of effort had been sucked out of you with a straw. Your body was hunched, listless in the old paisley chair. Your eyes felt glazed over, but at the same time a bit too sharp. You swore you could feel your heartbeat in your entire body-- your neck, fingers and chest especially. Indeed, it felt as if all of your effort was needed just to simply negate the feeling of doom in your sternum.

You saw Severus' mouth move, and logically, you knew he was talking. Yet, no words reached your ears and with every passing moment, the desire to regurgitate all of your organs grew larger and larger.

Severus was now standing with his brows furrowed-- in anger?-- no, furrowed in worry, you concluded as his hand came lovingly to your back.

"Esme? Darling, what's wrong?" His deep voice rolled over you in waves, finally reaching your ears.

"I fear it is too early to say." Your voice shook as your eyes stared forward.

"Say it regardless." To your surprise, your husband's voice shook back.

"I am suffering." Voice catching in your throat, you felt your organs-- or perhaps just sobs-- retch through you. Tears poured from your face and your entire body turned a deep, somber blue. "I suffer, Severus! I am suffering and I cannot stop it. You cannot stop it. I feel the tragedy-- the loss! Things are going to be terribly and truly awful!"

He held you and rocked you as you continued to sputter your fears, and he clung to you as if you were a single buoy in the ocean and to let go would mean to drown. This pain he could feel even without entering your mind. This pain he knew.

Having survived one wizarding war, Severus was not unaware of the tragedy to come. He had lost his first love after all, and that had most clearly stunted him for years to come. It wasn't as though Severus did not consider all he had to lose and there were more times than he'd like to admit that he wanted to simply run. To sever his own treacherous arm, change his own ghastly name and drag his own desperate wife to a village far, far away to live happily ever after. Stroking your blue skin did nothing to steer him away from this desire, but he knew this was his price to pay. The greed, rage and pride that plagued his life were catching up to him and he would not be escaping unscathed.

This scene was not new. You suffered. He suffered. And there was plenty more suffering to come.