Life Is A Living Hell

Chapter 48 I Let Myself Drown (rewritten)

It sucks because, for a minute I was happy,
for a minute I was getting better,
for a minute I had hope,
but in a minute I lost it all again.
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Olivia Brown

Being in Antonio's embrace felt good... right. I felt protected, which I had never felt before. Yeah, Alex had been there for me too, but he couldn't protect me from everyone. Which was understandable. It was just something about how Anton held me. He held me so tightly, like he wanted to take my misery from me. Being in his arms was comfortable, warm...peaceful.

Without saying anything, he lifted me up and made me wrap my legs around him. He let me cry in the crook of his neck as he held me tightly and carried me up to his room.

I never thought he could be this calm and...tender. Holding me so close to him like he thought if he held me a bit loosely, I would slip away. I was so close to him that I felt his heartbeat against my chest.

He laid me down slowly on his dark silky quilt, freeing himself from the misery I soaked him in. I thought he would leave the room and go back to eating, yet he didn't. He went and fetched me one of his white t-shirts which I had grown to love. Since he noticed I had no energy or care to change my uncomfortable clothes, he did it for me. With tender touches, he stripped me bare. And with soft touches he put the t-shirt on me. Lingered too much where the hem of the shirt was. With my foggy mind, I didn't know why he did that until his calloused thumb touched a specific area of my hip. My scar. Instead of asking me how I got that scar like I expected him to, I felt soft, warm lips there. Warm, tender lips travelled up my arm, all the way to my tear-dried cheek. He laid himself beside me and took the quilt that was underneath me and put it on us. I hadn't even noticed Anton had nothing on him but boxer briefs until I felt his warm skin. He had just worn the t-shirt I was wearing, that explained the warmth I felt.

He held me close to him, like he cared about me. And in that moment, I let myself go, I let myself think he cared, I let myself feel his warmth, I let myself fall for him, I let myself hold on to him, I let myself feel his devotion that probably didn't exist. I let myself sink deeper into him, I let myself drown.

That was probably a huge mistake. I mistake I let myself make. I let myself get hurt, because this will hurt, I was sure. But then I couldn't care less about the consequences. Then the pain and agony didn't seem that bad. Considering I was numb most of the time, I wanted to feel something...anything. Being in too much agony—physically and mentally—made you numb...empty. Even when you felt something, you still didn't feel. It was like the emotions and pain happened to somebody else, and you were just watching.

Being numb wasn't always that bad. I felt light, because I was empty. But on the downside... still, that emptiness felt heavy. Too heavy to bear. The emptiness felt like a heavy fog. All the emotions blended into a thick fog, made it impossible to decipher any emotion, that was how it felt to be numb. You didn't know what you felt. Hence, it was too much. Too much into nothing.

I remembered one time when I wanted to feel so badly. And now, I didn't. Because I felt too much. Too intensely. I should've been careful with what I wished for. Yet then, I didn't know I was wishing for a Devil to enter my life. I was just a numb girl who was desperate to feel. Listening to all those forlorn songs, attempting to feel their emotions. And now, I didn't need to try. I felt them stronger than ever with ease. Especially Wicked Game by Grace Carter. When I listened to it then, I felt nothing, now, it was too much.

I snuggled closer to my Devil and hummed the lyrics softly.

"The world was on fire and no one could save me but you. It's strange what desire will make foolish people do," I sang softly with a sigh.

"I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you. And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you." I gazed at his closed eyes.

"No, I don't wanna fall in love. No, I don't wanna fall in love. With you." I closed my eyes when I felt the rain come again.

"What a wicked game you play, to make me feel this way. What a wicked thing you do, to let me dream of you. What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way. What a wicked thing you do, to make me dream of you." I gazed at my Devil through the salty sea as I felt the rain keep flowing down my cheeks.

"Now, I don't wanna fall in love. No, I don't wanna fall in love. With you."

That was the last thing I did before I let myself dream of the Devil.

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