The sound of my fan made filled my ears. The feeling of my chest as it rose up and down in sync with my breaths. I focused on anything but it, anything to take my mind off him.
But of course, it all failed. It always did. Some way or another, my thoughts always came crawling back to him.
It all started with a text. A simple, innocent text.
Skeppy: hey bad
Badboyhalo: Hey!
Skeppy: hey .. this song reminded me of u https://youtu.be/drps8GTXARs
Badboyhalo: Okay, I will listen to it right now! :D
It started with a small beat, then exploded with sound. It startled me a little, waking up a little more than I was before.
Why had this reminded him of me?
Sometimes all I think about is you, late night's in the middle of June.
Was that why? Was I all he thought about as the air got hotter? As his shirt got tighter? Did he somehow, maybe, feel the same?
Did he lay in bed, thinking about what it would be like to finally have skin-on-skin contact after years and years of waiting? Or was that just me?
I be thinking about what life could be, imagined it was only you and me.
Oh. So he also thinks about it, about us. Things about your best friend that should never cross your mind.
My mind drifted away. From him, from all thoughts in general. I listened to the song, and let it vibrate through my blood.
I've been waiting on you just to get my hopes up. What's it gonna take for you to finally show up?
"Come on Bad! No way you are sick, right when we planned it." his voice sounded strained like we had done this a million times, and to his credit, we have.
We had done countless back-and-worth push-and-pull arguments that always lead us to where we began. The start.
"I'm sorry Skeppy. I promise I am sick. I do want to see you!" my voice seemed small.
Could he see right past me? Could he see the real reason I couldn't meet up with him?
I don't know. I never know with us. It's constant never knowing, always wondering.
Because even after all this time. All the late-night messages. All the late-night whispers. Every single time we crossed the line between friends or more, we didn't talk about it.
At first, it was fun. I loved playing games with him, never knowing was fun. Then it got old. And repetitive.
Having to guess what he was thinking all the time wasn't the funniest after you had been doing it for more than two heads.
"Please Bad. Just promise me soon okay?" his Minecraft character crouched in front of me, starting up at me through the computer screen in front of me.
It hurt, it hurt a lot. I hated, that I couldn't see my best friend of four years all because I felt I should have. Feelings that if I could, I would get rid of in seconds.
Being in love with your best friend isn't fun.
Water in my eyes makes it hard to see cause sometimes all I think about is you, late nights in the middle of June.
That brings us back here, back to the present. My mind was racing with thoughts all over the place that I couldn't control.
What did this mean for me? For us?
