Secret Desire (Nyssara FanFic)

Take Me or Leave Me

Nyssa had completely distanced herself from Sara as she had asked. She still hasn't forgiven herself for being the one to hurt her. She was scared, and she is never scared. It's just that when it comes to Sara, she seems to be swimming in different types of emotion that is not common to her. She brings her the greatest happiness she has ever felt, and also the greatest fear and pain. She was taught to push away and control her fears and pains, not to let any weakness in, yet she allowed it. Her pain and fears when it comes to Sara are so overwhelming that all her training doesn't matter, because there is no way she could numb them away. Another reason why she allows herself to have those fears and pain is because they also remind her of all that is beautiful and lovely about Sara. How much she had loved her. How much she still loves her. How much they have shared. How things could have been. How her life could be different.

She has distanced herself. She dropped out of chemistry class. Made sure they are never in the same place at once. She hasn't talked to her, texted her, or even left a note for her. But it doesn't mean that she has left her alone. She still watches over her. She is very capable of being there without being noticed. And she has been watching her from afar like the way it had all started.

Sara had noticed the sudden absence of Nyssa. She doesn't want to be bothered by it, but she is gravely so. She barely sees her now. Whenever she enters a room where Nyssa is, even though she doesn't look her way, it's as if she has sensed her presence, and she would see her leaving moments after. It pains her to see that somehow Nyssa is hurting more than she is. That she has hurt her even more.

Rebecca once dragged her to Nyssa's house furious with both their actions. She had scolded them for being so childish. She had said that they should be able to move past that and at least be friends.

"Friends?" Nyssa had laughed at that thought. There was a cynical yet longing tune to the way she had said it, but even then, she wouldn't look at Sara. "Having friends means having attachments, which means having weaknesses. I have allowed myself to have a weakness accepting your friendship, but I won't force it on someone who doesn't even want anything to do with me."

The words had punched Sara to the gut. She knows that it may seem like it, but deep down, more than she would care to admit, she doesn't want Nyssa to completely vanish from her life. Even though they don't get back on being friends, but when they have both gotten over it, she wants to see Nyssa smile like a reassurance that they have moved on and are okay with each other. But it wasn't just the words, it was the cold and steely expression she was wearing that pierced through her the most. It was like she had lost her Nyssa and it was all her fault.

Tears threatened to flow from her eyes, but Sara tried to hold them down. When she no longer can, she turned around and rushed off. She didn't witness how Rebecca had almost slapped Nyssa for it, but what Rebecca saw in Nyssa's eyes when she caught her hand gave her hope that all is not over yet with her two friends.

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"She looks for you, you know?" Nate had become a constant companion to Nyssa. He has been beside her more that Alec recently. "She watches you. She tries not to, but she does."

"I know." Nyssa had become accustomed to having Nate around. He was not just a companion like Alec, he is also a friend. She is pleased that even though he is training with her and Alec, since it is not official, he is still not tainted with the beliefs of the league.

"And that gives you hope."

"Yes. Though hope is a dangerous thing."

"What will you do then?"

"I don't know yet. It all depends on her."

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It was a Saturday and Sara got dragged to go hang out with Max and Rebecca. She was tired of being the third wheel but she knows they just don't want her to feel left out. They always try to avoid talking about Nyssa with her although it was obvious that they want to. She's glad of their effort though.