Secret Desire (Nyssara FanFic)

The Way We Were

Nyssa held Sara close to her. She held her tight, not ever wanting to let her go. All the worries and hurt that she had had, they all just slipped away as she held the love of her life in her arms. She must have been insane to think that she would ever forget and let go of the love she has for Sara, seeing how much her emotions are overflowing, ripping her apart inside. She knew there was nothing on this earth or beyond could make her forget about her, not even make her lose her love for her. Not even death could make her. She also knew that it would no longer matter if Sara loved her back, if she wants to be with her or not, she could never stop loving her, but she couldn't say what she would do when those times come, she just knows she would always love the beautiful blonde girl who has brought light into her shadowed life.

"Sara, I know there's no going back to the way things were between us. I lied to you and I'm sorry. I would want to say I wish I could take it all back or I wish we could start over again, but I don't want that. I want you to know me. I want to know me. The me that only you can seem to bring out. I love you. I want to be with you. I hope you haven't given up on us. Give me another chance?"

Sara's chest swelled with Nyssa's heartfelt profession of love. Could she give her another chance? She had accepted the love she has for Nyssa, but she had hurt her, more than she could have ever imagined anyone doing so. Could she finally let herself go without holding back, not caring if she gets herself hurt by the same person again? Her wounds had just started healing, is she ready if they open and bleed again?

"You hurt me, but not having you with me was the worst. I thought I had completely turned you away. And that was what tore me apart the most, the thought of you never coming back and forgetting about me. I know I never actually said this to you. I should have as much as I could, because after everything that has happened, it's all that rang true, all that mattered to me. I love you. I love you, Nyssa. I accept you for all that you are, and I want to know every part of you, and what more of you I could bring out. I love you. I could say that I don't want to give this another chance, but I wouldn't be just lying to you, I would also be lying to myself. I love you."

They lay in Sara's bed, wrapped in each other's arms. Drained from all the emotions that came crashing down on them. They were content of just being there beside the love of each of their lives.

"Could you say it again?" Nyssa whispered kissing the top of Sara's head.

"What?" Sara teased as she snuggled closer to Nyssa.

"You know what I'm asking for."

"I missed you."

"Not that. The other one."

Sara looked up and her eyes met with Nyssa's, saying the words she was asking for even before her mouth did.

"I love you, Nyssa."

Nyssa leaned down and kissed her.

"I told you so, didn't I?"

Sara smiled.

"You did."

"I could see it in your eyes even when you don't say it, but it's always nice to hear."

"Would you like me to say it again?"

"Please."

"I love you, Nyssa Raatko."

"And I love you, Sara Lance. I always will."

Nyssa doesn't want to bother with it or believe it, but she couldn't shake the feeling that even though Sara had told her she loves her and she is finally back in her arms, it feels like she has still lost her. She wished her feeling was wrong, but it was true that she could see it in Sara's eyes. All her emotions resonate through them. She saw that she does love her, but not as much. The intensity of it was far greater when she had asked her to leave and forget about her. It was far greater when she found out she had been lying to her. It was covered by anger and hurt, but still her eyes showed how much she loved her then. She wished it was just because they had been apart for so long and she could still make that feeling grow, but what if her feeling was right, and she had already lost her.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Don't lie to me, Nyssa. I can tell something is bothering you."

"I'm just worried how my father would take my leave again." She lied.

She knew her father would again disapprove but would just let her, as he would refer to it, commit her own mistakes and face their consequences. And right now, she couldn't care less about what her father would think.

"It'll be fine."

Unlike Sara, it is easier for Nyssa to put her walls back up and not let any of her emotions slip. It is easier for her to lie. She doesn't want to lie to her. Not again, but how could she tell her now that even though she says she loves her, she knows that it's not true, at least not the way they both wish it meant to each other.

Nyssa waited for Sara to fall fast asleep before slipping out. She tried to put the thought behind at the back of her mind, hoping it was all a mistake.

Sara woke up searching for the warmth of Nyssa's body, but it wasn't there. She wasn't there. She rose into a panic. Was all that just a dream? Or was it real? But where's Nyssa? Why did she just leave all of a sudden?

Sara sat at the side of her bed and noticed a note folded to stand on her bedside table.

I'll be at the house.
Feel free to stop by.

I love you.

- Nyssa

It wasn't a dream. She is here. Nyssa's really back.

Sara took a quick shower and got dressed. It's still too early for school. She could stop by Nyssa's before going there.

Nyssa was training and hasn't had any sleep. Those thoughts just kept hounding at her, at least keeping herself busy and letting her frustrations out in training helps her forget about the matter a little.

"Hey." Sara called out to her.

"Hey."

"You left."

"I did. I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"I couldn't let your father see me there." She responded to Sara without taking a pauss in training.

"He knows about you. Us. Sort of. Why does that matter?"

Nyssa finally took a break and put her sword away.

"No one's supposed to know I'm at Starling, Sara."

"Then why did you come to me?"

"It's... I simply couldn't stay away. No one can know, Sara."

"What about Max and Rebecca?"

"No one."

"You're not coming back to school."

"No."

"How will I see you?"

"You can come see me here."

"People may suspect."

"I know you come here to talk to Nathaniel. Why are you in doubt? And I will go to your house and see you there."

"I... I just thought I'd be able to spend more time with you than this. I thought I'd really get to be with you."

Sara knew it herself that what she feels for Nyssa had somehow faded, and she was hoping to boost it back to life by spending every single moment she could with Nyssa. She wants to bring back the love she had felt for her. The love that only Nyssa could bring out from her. The love Nyssa deserves. She knew even that is not enough compared to how much Nyssa has given and is giving her.

"You will be with me. And I will be with you. We will find a way. We will make this work."

They both secretly hoped for it to be true. For them to be able to make it all work for them again.