Secret Desire (Nyssara FanFic)

Continue Living

Months have passed and still there was no sign of Nyssa ever coming back. No news from Nate. Nothing. Sara still continued to meet him from time to time, trying to keep the connection about Nyssa alive. Sometimes they would drift off to different topics; the weather, dreams and aspirations, but then they would always end up going back to Nyssa. She still ached for her, but as she comes to accept the fact that she is gone from her, she is starting to get used to the empty feeling she get whenever Nyssa comes across her mind.

There were times that she would write letters to Nyssa, the way she used to for her, but never had the courage to send them, even if she had, she doesn't know how to get it to her. But she still wrote. She just kept them with her, safe and hidden, in the hopes of one day Nyssa would come back and she'll be able to give them to her. Her first letter to her was,

Dear Nyssa,

I hope you're doing okay wherever you are. I know you risk your life all the time with what you do, and I always hope that at the end of the day you're safe and unhurt. Knowing you, that would be asking too much. You have always been so strong and fearless. You always seem to get yourself in harms way, but always get yourself out of it with a few bruises here and there. You may say you're a killer, but as I look at it now, you've always been my protector.

I miss you, Nyssa. I really do. I know I said that it would be best for both of us that we never see each other again and just forget one another. I was wrong. I shouldn't have asked you to leave. I should have just held on to you. Being here without you and knowing I'm the one who pushed you away is way worse than having my life at risk being with you. It hurts. It hurts bad. I don't know how I would bear with the pain of not having you in my life anymore. Wounds heal with time. I should have just chosen a dangerous life with you, at least I know i could bear with any flesh wound I would get as long as I have you helping me heal. But with this. This wounded heart of mine just feels emptier each time passes by without you.

I wish you were here. I wish you would come back. I wish you would hear my words when I say I love you. I love you, Nyssa. I should have told you that. Now you're gone, and possibly thinking that I never loved you. To tell you the truth, from the moment we shared staring into each other's eyes after you almost shot an arrow through me, I have always felt drawn to you. And every moment I spent with you didn't just drew me closer, it made me fall deeper. I was scared to admit it, because it was the most powerful pull I have ever felt towards anything. Then I found out about you being the writer and all. I was hurt, yes, but a part of me then felt relieved that it was you. But I let the hurt take over me because I was scared of getting hurt even more. Then I saw you kill those men who took us. I was... I don't even know what I actually felt in that moment. It was scary, but I didn't feel scared of you. Even then, I knew you would never hurt me. You never meant to hurt me. I know that now. I was stupid and scared. I hope you forgive me. That's only when I could forgive myself of costing us each other.

I know it may be too late. I know this may never reach you. I just want to let it out. I want to show I am no longer afraid. I miss you. I want you here with me with every fiber of my being. I need you here with me. I feel empty and lost without you. I love you. I know I always will.

Love,
Sara

She would sometimes read through the letters Nyssa had written to her, remembering the times they spent together. And then she would read the letter she writes to her, imagining what Nyssa's responses would be like. Then she would cry herself to sleep with the intense longing for her lost love. But that was then. She still longs for her, but it doesn't make her cry anymore.

She has found comfort. It might be from the most unusual of sources, but she has found comfort, and she would take it from whoever and in whatever form. She knew it was wrong. She knew she shouldn't be seeing her sister's boyfriend, but only he was the only one who was able to take away the longing even for a short while. And she has always had a crush on him. On Oliver Queen. And they haven't done anything wrong. They just hang out and talk. He was nice to her. He makes her smile and laugh. And he makes her forget about the ache and emptiness. That's what she needs now, if she wants to get through living without Nyssa.