Secret Desire (Nyssara FanFic)

That Life isn't You

Sara sat around in her quarters after another lengthy and fruitless mission. She has grown tired and weary of always coming up short. She often wondered lately about what they were trying to do; what were they really trying to achieve; were they really going to be able to save all of humanity? She's seen so much pain, death, and destruction, that it started to make her feel numb of everything else. Then she would shake that feeling off and think whether she should really be the one doing what she was doing? Is it really what she's supposed to do? Is she willing to be that hero? Does she even want to be that hero? The hero who has to die in order to make whatever she's done matter and start make a spark that would ignite other heroes' spirits to fight.

She held an engraved box in her hands. She had found it under a floor board in one of the houses they stayed in to hide in 2046. The house was scarred and damaged but it was still sturdy and reliable, even just as a hideout. She didn't know what made her look inside when the floor board creaked under her foot. She had opened the box and peeked through its contents. They were mostly letters with a single picture at the bottom. Her heart skipped when she saw the name written across each of the folded letters. Sara, it all read. Then she dared to look at the worn out picture, and almost cried with what she saw.

It was one of her favorite pictures of them together. The one she had kept in her favorite book. It was of the time they had gone to a party. She hadn't thought that Nyssa would go with her that day, but she was able to persuade her. It was probably the first time that she had seen her completely let loose. She just enjoyed the party and had fun with her. She even got her to dance with not much protest. Nyssa was so carefree that day, Sara saw her smile so wide. There were times that she would bashfully hide her enjoyment, but then she would break out into another smile. She convinced her to take a picture together with her wearing a pink furred cat ear headband, and she did not refuse.

She reminisced to that moment and thought about how simple and truly happy they were then. Nyssa really must have loved her so much that she hadn't cared then that she was making quite a fool of herself. And Sara knew that it was in those moments that she fell deeper and deeper in love with her.

Since she had found that box, she could be found in her quarters more often, staring at the photo or reading through the leters. She tries not to cry whenever she reads them, because she doesn't want anyone to intrude. It was not something she wanted to share, because even in those moments, she felt close and connected to her again, and she just want it to feel like it was just them again. She imagines her sitting just next to her, reading the letters to her word per word. One that was so dear to her heart was the one that she wrote when Laurel had died.

Sara,

I wish you were here, yet I also wish you weren't. I want to be by your side and comfort you. I want to hold you close, and not let go, until you feel that things will still be okay. And all I want to do now is shield you from the unimaginable pain of knowing might bring to you. I wish you never have to know. I wish it never had to happen, but it did. And I don't know what to do to make it okay for you. I don't even know where or when you are right now. Please be okay. You know it would break me if you aren't.

Who am I kidding? I am broken and lost without you. A part of me would always be missing, if you aren't by my side. And it hurts even more that your sister with whom I shared a bond because of the love we have for you is now gone. She loves you so much. She never gave up hope on you, and I am grateful that she didn't. If she did, you would still have been lost to us.

I lost a friend. You lost a sister. But we all lost a hero. Even in her own little ways, she was a hero through and through. Just like you. She would be so proud of what you're doing, because she would have done the same thing and be a hero in a much larger scale if she could have. Just always be safe.