Secret Desire (Nyssara FanFic)

Drifting

Sara no longer knows how long she's been drifting in the waters. She couldn't even tell if it was all real or just a crazy long nightmare. She can't believe that she was still alive. She was trying to forget her worries and lose herself to the comfort of Oliver. Next thing she knew she was sliding down the crack on The Gambit and was being dragged under the water by the huge currents. She's been going in and out of consciousness. Her thoughts torn between letting go, letting the currents take her, and just die in the water; and holding on, keep fighting and hoping that she'd get back to her family. Her dad. Her mom. Her sister. Memories of them flooded her mind as she longed to be back in their arms. She was sure that they would have thought that she was dead already. She can't blame them, she thinks the same. Then there was the person she hopes to go back to but unsure would be accepted by, Nyssa. She hated that she left things with her like that. She hated that things ended between them and she'd never get a chance to fix it.

She wondered if she also found out about their boat sinking. Did she cry? Is she looking for her? Or has Nyssa completely detached herself from anything related to her that she doesn't even have the slightest idea what had happened? Or does she no longer care at all? These thoughts tormented her in her wake and dreams of the Gambit tearing apart and currents taking her under eats her up in her slumber. Her last hope dangling on by a short and thin string. Then again she drifted to sleep.

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Nyssa had her heart broken once more by the same person, the only person she's allowed in her heart. She's devastated that Sara had chosen to go with Oliver. She still loves her, after all that, she still loves Sara, but she had allowed herself to succumb into that weakness of hers for too long. It would have been alright to keep going and keep holding on, if there was something to hold on to, if there was hope that she could still have Sara, but all that's been happening hasn't been doing her any good. She has held on for far too long. She has risked her heart shattering over and over. It's about time she finally let her go. Let go of the tiny string of hope she's been holding onto.

She went back to Nanda Parbat to get away from any traces of Sara; to remind herself of her duties to the league; to remind her of her real purpose in life: to serve the league. Her life is the league. She has drifted so far away from it that she questions her status within and her purpose there.

She had kept herself busy, training and training over and over, not letting her mind wander off to her lost love. But there are nights that she can't help but think of her, miss her. She would look out of her window into the vast starlit sky and think of her.

One night, when she felt the loneliest and dreaded to be with her Sara again, she pulled out one of her books on her shelf, opened it on a page where her picture with Sara was tucked. It was when they first spent some time out together, when Sara dragged her in a photobooth at the theme park. She smiled remembering how wonderful that day was, then a tear fell from her eye thinking how lost that memory is being. Her hand trembled as she held back the rushing emotions threatening to spill out with her tears and she dropped the book and photo. And for the first time, she noticed that there was something written at the back of the photo.

I don't know when it started, but at this moment, I think deep down I knew I've started falling in love with you.

With that, she could no longer hold down her tears. Why did she let that drift away from her? She should have never left her side. Maybe things would still be the same. Would it really be the same? Or was this ending inevitable between them?

"She already made her choice." Nyssa told herself.

She knew she should just burn the photo to be able to move on; to erase any trace of her.