Little Bitch

Chapter 32

Chapter 32

I sat in my car in the parking lot of my therapist, just staring at nothing for what felt like hours.

In my head, I was going over our conversation, over and over again.

Had I actually been abused? Or was Doctor Boseman just spewing nonsense?

From all the trauma boxes I had ticked off, this particular one I thought I was exempted from.

I wasn't sure how to process all of this.

I had never been truly comfortable in my relationship with Kendall. That much I could admit.

I had always felt like this relationship had been something I had done to hurt my own self. I hadn't seen it as something done to me. I'd only thought of myself as being the one in the wrong because I'd gotten into it for the wrong reasons.

Was this just some way I'd been trying to convince myself of something else to protect myself?

I felt a little light headed, honestly.

But this revelation should not be coming as such a shocker.

Josh had already hinted as much. I'd just... ignored it. Seen it as something he had said in a fit of anger, the way he sometimes said random shit that didn't make sense.

I'd been so overwhelmed with everything happening that I hadn't even let myself think about his words.

But still... that couldn't be true.

I would have known, right? I would have known if being with Kendall had been abuse.

But then again. Weren't victims often blind to their own abuses?

I hated this. This was not what I had thought I would be thinking about today.

This was not something I was sure I was ready to deal with just yet honestly.

It made... some sense though.

I had to admit, I was kind of obviously trying to stop myself from getting physical with Lexi. And it wasn't just because of my meds, or because I didn't want to rush things, or because I thought Lexi might not be ready yet.

It was me. Something was stopping me. And I never really let myself stop to think about the reasons. The real reasons.

I wasn't... okay. I felt dirty somehow. Cheap. Like less than what Lexi deserved. Being with Kendall, being with other girls I didn't care about. It made me feel worthless.

If I was being completely honest, deep down, like deep deep down... I felt like I would dirty Lexi by being with her.

The truth was, whatever I'd been trying to convince myself lately, I still hated myself. This was not something that could be changed magically in a few days.

I was still sitting in my car, in the parking lot. Lexi had texted me, asking me how the session had gone.

I texted her a quick vague reply.

I needed to talk with someone right now, but I wasn't sure I was ready to have that conversation with Lexi.

So I called Josh.

"Hey, are you back in town?" I asked him after he picked up.

"Did you put a GPS on me? I literally just stepped inside my apartment," he replied in a cheerful tone.

"Can I come over?" I asked, not wanting to beat around the bush.

"Sure," he answered automatically and then it was like I could almost hear him frowning. "Are you okay Blake?"