Little Bitch

Chapter 13

Chapter 13

When I got back home that evening, I wasn't sure why, but I headed to the music room.

My father was asleep and my mother was too engrossed in her writing to come around this part of the house right now.

I didn't want to have to explain what I was doing here, because I actually had no idea myself.

So, I sat in front of the piano, just staring at the keys.

Ever since I'd been pondering about goals to make for myself in the future and things I wanted to do, and just trying to find my passions in general, I'd been thinking about the piano.

I wasn't sure where music was falling in the category.

I'd been staying away from the piano for so long because it reminded me of my brother and because I wanted to hurt myself and keep the things that brought me joy away from me.

But things were different now.

I was happy. I was content.

Yet, the keys still felt as daunting as they always did.

This was probably something I could talk about Dr Boseman. I was going to see him this weekend. I would have a lot to talk about. I should start taking notes every time I thought about a subject to talk about. I was sure he would appreciate it.

I didn't know why I'd believe that I would suddenly be able to play a concerto just because I had a girlfriend now.

I still was a bit of mess. And that was probably an understatement.

Just because a lot of things made more sense now, and because I felt like I had my shit a little bit more together didn't mean everything was magically going to be alright.

Sometimes I really wished I could just be a normal guy without trauma and endless issues. I wish it was simpler in my head.

I ended up going to bed without playing any notes.

But I had a hard time falling asleep, and I ended up having nightmares.

I couldn't quite remember what they had been about, I just knew that I felt bad and a little scared and my heart was beating too fast and I couldn't seem to be able to calm down afterwards.

I was kind of glad Lexi hadn't been in bed with me. She probably would have freaked out.

And now I was kinda freaking out about the thought that maybe one day I would have a nightmare right beside Lexi.

And that just made me spiral more into the whole freaking out thing, so I just gave up and picked a random Emile Zola book to try to calm down and be bored to death. French naturalism was such a bore.

I managed to doze off just a little, but not enough to feel rested when I left for school in the morning.

I didn't pick up Lexi and Tyler because I had football practice after school and I didn't want them to have to find another ride again.

I found my Pumpkin at her locker.

As soon as she saw me her smile turned to a worried expression.

She walked up to me, pressing a hand to my cheek, staring into my eyes. "Are you okay?" she asked me softly.

I closed my eyes, leaning a bit into her touch and then opened my eyes again. "Yeah, I didn't sleep well," I just told her.

"That's never been a real issue, you barely ever sleep," she pointed out, knowing me too well.