Little Bitch

Chapter 71

Chapter 71

Today was therapy day, and surprisingly, I'd been looking forward to it all week long.

It was a refreshing change, to think that this journey to having a better mental health wasn't something I was dreading now.

Going to see Doctor Boseman didn't feel like a chore, or something painful or something useless.

It was nice to think that I could tell someone about all the things going through my head, knowing I wouldn't worry them, or make them feel like they needed to do something about it.

I could unload without feeling any kind of guilt.

I actually wanted talk about something that had happened his week when I was coming back from working in my painting shed until very late at night.

I'd knocked over a picture of Jayden off a wall while sneaking back in the house.

My response had been immediate. I'd been freaking out, on the verge of hyperventilating, feeling worthless and like a horrible person for destroying something of my brother.

My reflex had been to grab for my phone to talk to Lexi. I knew she'd become a crutch for me. And I wanted to fix that. So, I had put the phone away and resolved to deal with this inner turmoil on my own.

I could rationalize. The frame was broken, but the picture was mostly fine. I could get a new frame, a better one even. Jayden wouldn't have cared. It was an accident.

I wasn't a worthless son unable to do anything right for accidentally knocking a picture off a wall. I would be more careful next time.

I repeated all of that, trying to remember to breathe, and I had managed to deal with the crisis on my own.

I'd felt very proud of myself. And then stupid for being proud of not having a mental breakdown over a broken picture frame.

I hadn't told anyone about any of this, safe for telling my parents I could replace the frame.

And I knew I wanted to talk about this with Doctor Boseman. I wanted to tell him, and I wanted him to confirm I had done good. I needed an external validation, as silly as it was. But I also understood that it was not something I should be seeking from the people around me. And that ultimately, I had to be able to deal with my shit without needing someone to pat me on the head when I did something basic.

Once I sat in front of Dr Boseman and as soon as I was done with my greetings, I told him all of this.

"This is really good Blake," he said, smiling at me.

"Thanks," I smiled back, kinda feeling like a kid proud of showing his ugly drawing. "And as I said, I know it's not that big of a deal, in the grand scheme of things, but it made me realize that if I can deal with little things, I know eventually I'll be able to deal with bigger ones."

"I'm really glad you were able to see that. And it's true. But also, I don't want you to think that it needs to become easy to deal with these emotions for you to be proud of yourself. It will probably always be hard, but at least now you have more of the tools to help you go through these episodes."

I let myself fall back a little on my seat, letting out a breath. "It just sucks that I get hung up on these details, when I know it's not that important in the end, and I know I should just let it go more easily."

"It's not that it's not important though. Don't forget that. If you feel strongly about it, that's all that matters, whether it's important or not. The key is to not let these things consume you. But don't undermine your own feelings and the way you react to things. You need to accept them rather than fight against them."