Little Bitch

Chapter 49

Chapter 49

For the rest of the week, I had football practice every night, so that saved me from the advances of my a little too enthusiastic girlfriend.

If I was being entirely honest, I enjoyed her constant pestering, as much as it made me suffer. Hadn't I already admitted this to myself, that I must have issues because I enjoyed having Lexi manhandle me? This was just another form of manhandling. A much more painful one. It kind of suck to keep rejecting your very willing girlfriend's advances just because you had trauma to deal with.

But this was all part of getting better. I knew this. Things couldn't instantly get better in my head just because I really wanted them to.

It was such a strange feeling to have. Because I knew I wanted Lexi. But I also heard a little voice in the back of my head any time something serious between us happened.

I'd been starting to be honest with Lexi about how I was feeling, but I felt like... I needed to be even more honest. With her. With myself.

But that honesty was something scary. Because it was facing these old demons again. Demons, I didn't even know had been creeping around my head, making everything bleaker.

I didn't want to give Lexi the burden of carrying them with me. But I also knew that I needed to open up to her more if I wanted to be able to move past whatever was going on in my head. And she deserved to know what was plaguing my mind.

Medication couldn't magically fix everything that was wrong with me. I still had a lot of work to do.

I met Doctor Boseman on Thursday, after practice.

I was actually in a good mood, walking into his office.

We exchanged the usual greeting pleasantries and then he hit me with, "What are you proud of yourself for doing lately?"

I chuckled, and pointed out, "that's kind of a random thing to start off with."

He grinned back. "I feel like we've talked a lot about how you felt regarding the more negative aspects of your life lately, so I think it would be good to go into the more positive things today."

I nodded. "Makes sense," but then I shrugged, kind of feeling on the spot. "I don't know. I'm proud that I haven't been slacking off with football practice?" I offered.

Football had been all I thought about this week, so it was the first thing that came to my mind.

What was I proud of? It was a weird question.

"Anything else?" Doctor Boseman asked.

I shrugged again. "I don't know."

"Any simple little thing is good. There is no wrong answer. I just want you to be able to notice all the progress you've made."

I frowned, thinking about it. "I'm proud that I've started to open up with Lexi. I'm proud that I've been able to communicate with her, and that I want to keep doing it."

"That's great. Little by little, you can keep on sharing what's on your mind. Anything else?" he asked, looking at me.

"I'm proud that I've been honest with my parents."

"Anything that's not related to other people. Anything that's just you?"

"I'm proud that I haven't stopped my medication. And that I still want to go to therapy and still want to get better."

"These are very good things."

"It feels kind of stupid to say though. They're not extraordinary things."