Little Bitch

Chapter 75

Chapter 75

We didn't overstay our welcome at the music hall. I knew I hadn't broken in and I'd gotten permission from my father to be there, but I also knew that it wasn't a place you could just hang out for fun when you weren't supposed to perform.

It did make me wonder though.

In another life, in one where I never stopped playing piano, would that have been something I wanted? To perform in front of a crowded room in a concert hall. The idea wasn't unpleasant.

How many things had I missed out on by sabotaging my own life?

Yet another discussion to possibly have with my therapist.

Or also with my girlfriend.

We were driving back home, my hand not holding on to the steering wheel holding hers, as she smiled happily.

Being in a relationship meant opening up. I was going to get better at this, one step at a time. And this was definitely a step.

"Do you think I screwed up my future by giving up piano so soon and now never being able to do anything serious about it?" I asked softly.

Part of me was hoping for a joke, or for her to not take it too seriously. That my Pumpkin would be easily distracted as always and the conversation would stir in another direction.

But instead, Lexi looked at me with a pensive gaze, and asked, "Do you?"

I let out a sigh. "I'm not sure. I know I have no idea what I want to do. And playing the piano made me happy. It still kind of does, I guess. So, it made me wonder."

Lexi turned in her seat, getting a better look at me, leaning her cheek against the headrest. "Is it playing the piano that you like, or the idea that you have actual plans for your future?

I half smiled at my girlfriend. It was nice, being able to talk like this, having her knowing me. I had never picture this. "It would be nice, to have this certainty, to know what I want for my future. I spent so much time thinking about not having a life, that I never had space for planning my future. I never had a university I dreamed of going to. There was never a career that truly interested me. I never let myself the joy of certainty."

"It would be nice, to know what you want to become when you get older," she said, "but there's also something beautiful about not knowing, don't you think? Isn't it boring if there are no surprises? If everything is planned out for the rest of your life? At least, that's what I'm trying to tell myself to not feel completely terrified about the future.," she added, and shook her head a little.

I grinned at her, lifting our hands and kissing her knuckles. "It's nice to be clueless together. It's like when you ask someone if they started their school projects because you didn't, and they didn't either. It's like, comforting because you're not the only screw up."

Lexi snorted a laugh and hit my arm. "We're not screw-ups!"

I chuckled at her outburst. "Maybe not screw-ups, but slightly pathetic."

"How are we supposed to choose? There are soooo many options," she whined, throwing her head back.

"My parents knew what they wanted to do at my age," I said, like an after-thought.

Lexi let out a breath. "Well, my mom did too, and look where that got her? She thought she knew, she thought she wanted to be a lawyer forever, but then she did a complete one-eighty. So, knowing doesn't mean you actually know."