Little Bitch

Chapter 53

Chapter 53

Eventually, the pills kicked in and I fell asleep, a dreamless slumber.

            When I woke up, Lexi was still hugging me, my face nuzzled against her neck, my head a little clearer.

            I also felt like a total asshole.

            This was exactly what I hadn't wanted Lexi to have to deal with.

            But here we were.

            Lexi must have realized I'd woken up because she ran a hand through my hair, and then asked softly, "how are you feeling?"

            How was I feeling? I wasn't exactly sure. I wasn't in the same desperate state of mind.

            "I'm okay," I replied feebly, pathetically staying hidden in the comfort of my girlfriend's arms.

I felt like making excuses for the way I'd freaked out and acted last night, was the equivalent of making excuses for the shitty thing someone would do if they were drunk. Even if the abysmal behaviour could be explained, it was still their fault for drinking too much. And it was my fault for not taking my medication.

            And for not being stronger.

            I had no reason to freak like that.

            I really hated this helplessness. I had not control over my emotions. Over myself. And I just really hated it.

            Lexi didn't press for more, she just kept stroking my hair and back and the comforting touch just kind of made me tear up a bit.

"Sorry about late night," I told her, trying to reign in my emotions.

"Stop apologizing. It wasn't your fault," she replied, her tone reassuring.

"It was. I didn't take my medication."

"Blake, please," I could almost hear her roll her eyes. "You had a nightmare and freaked out. It's fine."

But it wasn't fine. "I didn't want you to have to see me like this," I admitted. She hadn't seen me at my worst. I had wanted to keep it from her. I thought I could spare her at least that.

"How? Having nightmares?"

"Yeah. And spiralling."

Lexi kissed the top of my head, holding me a little tighter against her. "I'm actually glad I could be there with you. I wish I could be there anytime you have a nightmare so I can try to help you calm down."

"It shouldn't be your job," I replied, a little stubbornly.

This was exactly what I hadn't wanted. Lexi took care of everyone around her. I didn't want her to have to take care of me. I wanted to be the one to take care of her. I wanted her to have someone to rely on instead of the other way around for once.

"So, I'm not allowed to take care of my boyfriend?" she asked softly, sounding slightly amused.

"You shouldn't have to."

I felt her chest shake with a light chuckle. "Blake honey, I know we're both a little clueless when it comes to being in relationships, but I'm pretty sure we both need to support each other. Not just one of the two."

"And right now, you're pulling most of the weight," I reminded.

"That's okay. I'm sure I'm going to have to rely on you at some point, and you'll be there for me. We're a team now."