For my sister | Negan |

12 - You can't do this

I'm worried about Ella. And it's not even about the seizures. Though they've started again now that we're out of meds and they are taking a lot out of her...

But the thing that I'm most worried about is what she told me after she tried to kill Negan. She thinks I'd be better off without her. I've tried talking to her some more, but after finding out that Spencer and Olivia were killed, she's kind of closed up on me. I've told her again and again how much she means to me and that I would never be better off without her, but I don't know for sure that she believes it.

'I don't know what to do', I confide in Michonne one evening. Ella's in the yard hanging out with Carl and I don't want to be too far away from her in case she gets a seizure, so I'm in the living room, having a drink with Michonne while Rick's taking Judith to bed.

'I still can't believe they went after Negan like that', I continue. 'And the things she said to me... I'm so scared she'll do something stupid. And I won't be able to stop her.'

'I know how you feel', Michonne sighs, glancing out the window to where we can just see the kids. 'If Carl would have died on that trip, I don't know what I would have done.'

'Sometimes I feel like I hardly recognize her anymore', I sigh sadly. 'I mean, Negan said they killed two of his men. She never killed anyone before... I didn't know she's was capable of something like that.'

I know the world has changed. But for a long time, to the people of Alexandria, murder was still as unthinkable as it was before. Of course, things have changed since the Wolves came here and attacked us... And since we came in contact with the Saviours. Our group has had to do unthinkable things to survive. But not Ella. And not me. It's been bugging me that she did that. It makes me scared that the world is changing her into something she's not. But then Michonne surprises me.

'She didn't kill anyone.'

'What?' I ask her, surprised. 'What do you mean? How do you know?'

'Carl told me', she explains. 'He tried to talk her out of even coming with him but she said she had to go. That she wanted to be there and see him die. But when they arrived... she never fired her gun.'

'Oh', I say, a little dumbfounded. A surge of relief flows through me. I know the world isn't as black as white as it used to be. People, whether bad or good, have had to do the most horrific things in order to survive. I'm having a casual drink with a woman that killed more people than she can even remember at this very moment. But I'm still relieved. My Ella is not a killer. Not yet anyway.

'Are you alright, Christina?' Michonne asks me, sounding concerned. 'Don't take this the wrong way, but you look exhausted.'

'How could I take that the wrong way?' I ask with a tired smile. 'I've looked in a mirror, exhausted is being nice.'

Michonne chuckles shortly and takes a sip of her drink. I sigh and take a sip of mine as well.

'I've been better', I tell her honestly. 'All this bullshit has just been-'

'Christina!' Carl calls out to me as he runs in through the back door. 'She's having an attack.

'Fuck', I curse, putting my drink down quickly as I push myself off the couch.

Michonne and I hurry outside to make sure that Ella doesn't hurt herself, and put a pillow beneath her head so she'll be a little more comfortable. There's not much else we can do besides wait for it to end.

When it has, she has a headache and she's feeling tired, so I take her home and put her to bed in Ron's old room. It would be a waste not to use it now that it's empty.