For my sister | Negan |

36 - Way too far

This has gone way too far.

It's the first thought in my head when I wake up in Negan's arms. Well, right after wow, this feels very fucking good, anyway.

There's no excuse. I can't even fool myself anymore into thinking that I'm doing this to win his trust. I want to be here. Even after everything he's done. The feeling of his body against mine is somehow both exciting and comforting at the same time.

His arm is thrown loosely over me and his breathing is even, making it clear that he's still sleeping. Honestly, I didn't expect that I'd be able to sleep at all with the way he made me feel last night. But I guess working so hard had me exhausted enough to fall asleep anyway. And after a good night's sleep, my head finally seems to have cleared up a little.

I was ready to let him do whatever he wanted to me last night. But it would have been stupid. I've already let this man get into my head way too much. I can't help it, even though he's intimidating, there's something about him that makes me want to hand myself over to him, like he so desperately wants. Maybe it's just that I've been taking care of other people for so long, that it's tempting to let him take care of me, like he keeps promising.

But it's stupid to believe that he will. I know what he did to his last doctor. I know what he's done to Glen and Abraham. I can imagine what he'd do to me if I refused to work for him or tried to escape. Yeah, maybe he will take care of me as long as I do exactly what he wants and maybe that would be great. But if I ever step out of line, it will all go away.

It's a good thing that he didn't let things get any further last night. Because I know myself. I have sex with someone, my feelings get involved. And I'll be fucked if I develop feelings for Negan. He'll just break my heart. So even though my body desperately wants to give in, I need to walk away from this.

I should go now, while he's still sleeping. I'll just avoid him for the rest of the day. That shouldn't be so hard, I have a lot of shit to do. And when he comes to seek me out, I'll tell him that I can't be with him. I'll be friendly about it. I'll find other ways to show him my loyalty.

I close my eyes to relish in the feeling of his body around me for just a second longer. If only things were different... But they're not. So I open my eyes again and softly pull the covers off me. Then I take his arm and carefully drag it away from me, trying not to wake him up. It seems to work, because I don't hear anything from him. Now that I'm free, I wriggle to the side of the bed, and I'm just swinging my legs over the edge when all of a sudden an arm reaches out and pulls me back entirely.

'Where do you think you're going?' Negan asks a little gruffly, having just woken up. Once again, I'm locked in his embrace and I can feel his morning wood pressing up against me. I'm glad he can't see the blush on my face, since I've got my back turned to him.

'Just... to work', I mumble. 'I need to take care of my patients.'

'You and your damn patients', he grumbles. 'You need to take care of yourself first. It's too fucking early.'

'Oh I'm sorry', I say sarcastically. 'I just thought that's literally what you brought me here for.'

'Your patients can wait a little longer, honey. I told the night guards to contact me if anyone turns critical and they haven't reached out.'

'Oh', I say surprised. I suppose that's pretty thoughtful. 'Okay, great.'

Still, I should really get out of this bed. Before anything happens that I won't be able to come back from. But now he ruined my excuse.

'There's still a lot to be done', I argue, once again moving to get out of the bed. 'I should take a shower and get started.'

'No', Negan says, refusing to let me go. 'I don't allow it. Not until it's at least 7.30. You need more than 4 hours of sleep before you start another day like yesterday again.'