For my sister | Negan |

37 - Medical emergency

At least he lets me go after I agree to come to his room tonight. Even he can see that I won't be sleeping for another minute after that conversation. So I make my way to our room to take a quick shower before I get back to check on my patients.

Fortunately, Ella is sleeping when I enter the room. I wasn't looking forward to lying to her about where I've been all night. Though I'm sure I'll have to soon enough. She's bound to have questions.

For now, I tiptoe my way into the bathroom. As soon as I step into the shower, my mind flashes back to the much steamier shower I took yesterday. Now that I'm away from Negan, once again my mind begins to spin, thinking about what I agreed to just now.

He said we won't do anything I'm not comfortable with. But it's like he has me under a spell or something. I just lose control when I'm with him. With his pretty words, he drowns out that little voice in my mind that tells me to stay away from him. Of course, the voice returns whenever he's not with me.

But maybe he's right. Maybe I should stop overthinking everything. Being with him makes me feel good. Does that make me a horrible person?

Why don't you ask Ella to answer that question? Or Rick? Or Maggie?

'Ugh', I utter in frustration. Of course it does. After everything he's done... Everyone would hate me if they ever found out. But they haven't seen this other side of him. And anyway, they don't need to know about it.

Sure, that solves everything.

I turn off the faucet with resolution. There will be a lot to do today, enough to keep my mind off tonight for the time being. But I'm not there just yet. Because Ella comes at me as soon as I walk back into the room with my towel wrapped around me.

'Where have you been?' she asks anxiously. 'I was up most of the night waiting for you.'

'I'm so sorry, El', I say, keeping my eyes away from her so they won't betray anything. 'I fell asleep in the doctor's office. I only just woke up.'

'You said we'd talk about everything', she says accusingly. I'm about to defend myself, but when I look back at her, the forlorn expression on her face tugs at my heart. Sometimes I forget she's just a kid. Of course she's worried about everything that's going on. I should have been there for her.

'I'm really sorry', I tell her again while I put some fresh clothes on. Once I'm dressed, I walk over and take her face into my hands.

'Are you okay?'

'No', she says, sounding as distressed as she looks. 'They say that there's going to be a war. And it sounds like a lot of people got hurt at Alexandria. Do you have any idea if Carl's okay?'

I softly shake my head. I wish I could tell her something to comfort her. But the truth is that I've no idea who got hurt in the fight and who didn't. I was afraid to ask Negan about them.

'No', I answer reluctantly. 'I haven't heard that much about what went down. I've been too busy.'

'I just want to go home, Chris', she says, tears welling up in her eyes. Immediately, I feel like an asshole. I may have started to feel at home here, but Ella certainly hasn't. She wants to go home to her friends.

I realize that I may not be as connected to Alexandria as she is anymore. A couple months ago, I would have been. But a lot has happened since Rick showed up. I lost a lot of friends when the Wolves attacked and Alexandria got overrun with walkers. Honestly, it hasn't been the same for me since. Though I've formed great relationships with some people, like Michonne and Rosita... it's just different. I'd known the people that I lost for years and those aren't easy relationships to replace.