For my sister | Negan |

59 - It will all be over soon

I can't sleep. My mind keeps going over everything Dwight told me. Weapons laced with walker guts will be raining down on the Hilltop tomorrow. Ella will be there.

You could do it while he sleeps.

Do what? Cold-blooded murder? Murder never even crossed my mind. Even after the world fell apart. It was never necessary at Alexandria. Not until recently anyway... But even when things went bad, I didn't have to do anything like that.

I roll over to my other side for the millionth time. Ella is all I can think about. What if she gets hurt in the attack? What if she dies? I wouldn't even get to say goodbye. She would die scared and alone.

Tears trickle down my face again, but I wipe them resolutely off my face. Crying is pointless. I've been doing it all night and it doesn't get me anywhere. If I want to make sure Ella is safe, and everybody else too, there only one thing I can do. Dwight gave me a way.

For my sister, I'd do anything. That's what I've always said. And I meant it.

I get up from the bed. With heavy feet, I walk over to the wall and grab my robe from its hook. Then I go over to the door and look outside. The guard has returned his position after Dwight left.

'I want to see Negan', I tell him.

He looks me up and down for a second, then shrugs. Without saying anything, he starts to walk in the direction of Negan's room and I follow.

I didn't take a knife. It would be too risky, because I can't be sure he won't search me. I'll have to trust Dwight's word that Negan's gun will be available.

Remove the safety.
Aim.
Pull the trigger.

God, I hope there won't be a gun. At least I'll get to say that I tried. It's not my fault if I can't get to a weapon, is it?

I don't want to kill him. I don't want him to die. But I don't want Ella in danger. And I don't want anybody else to die.

If he wakes up tomorrow, the Hilltop is getting hit and Ella might not make it out alive.

The guard knocks at Negan's door. It takes some time for him to open it. It's late, so maybe he was already sleeping. Seems that way by what he's wearing. Just a pair of grey sweatpants.

'What the hell are you waking me up for?' he asks the guard gruffly. 'You don't fucking know what's going down tomorrow?'

The guard clears his throat uncomfortably and looks back at me. Negan follows his gaze and then his eyes soften.

'Christina', he says. 'Come in.'

I take a last deep breath before I walk past the guard into Negan's room. I can hear Negan dismiss him. While the two men talk shortly outside, my eyes scan the room.

Dwight was right. There is a gun on the nightstand.

When he touches my back, I jump. I'd been so focused on the gun, I didn't hear him close the door and approach me.

'Relax', he says, a soft smile on his lips. 'I'm glad to see you. What brings you here?'

'I...' I mumble. I can't bring myself to look into his eyes, so I stare at his shoulder instead. 'I couldn't sleep.'

That's no lie. I've been tossing in my bed for hours, even though I'm exhausted.

Like he's done so many times before, he raises my chin to make me look at him. His hazel eyes are gentle. It's almost hard to believe how cruel they were when he came to yell at me in that cell.