For my sister | Negan |

56 - I forgive you

I was expecting worse punishment. But Negan doesn't come to see me again. And neither does anybody else. They just let me sit here in this cell for a full day and night. Then a Savior comes to pick me up.

Don't get me wrong, it was horrible. My shoulder hurts terribly after being in a wrong position for so long. Since there was nobody to take me to a toilet, I peed myself, which is never exactly a fun experience. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. And all I could do spending hours on my own in the dark, was worry.

Mostly, I worried about Ella. I hate being apart from her and having no idea whether she's alright or not. It's good to know that Negan's men didn't catch her, but there are many more dangers lurking in the woods. I keep replaying the moment they caught me after I fell down that slope. The desperation in her voice when she called out to me keeps breaking my heart over and over. I just hope she's okay. I have to believe that she is, or I'll lose my mind. And I have to believe that somehow, I'll find her again. Because I can't do this without her.

I worry about Alexandria too. Yes, I was angry at Rick and everybody else for risking my life like they did to get Negan. But the thought of Alexandria being destroyed brings me to tears. What happened to the people? Negan wouldn't answer me when I asked him if he killed everybody. He couldn't have, could he? But if he really burned it to the ground, there must have been casualties... I wonder what this means for the war that's going on. Did Negan win? Is there anyone left for him to rule over? Is the Hilltop even safe or did Ella walk right into an even more dangerous place? I wish I knew more. But there's no-one here to tell me anything.

I kept thinking about Negan too. It seems almost surreal now that just a few days ago I felt such comfort in his arms. He made me feel so safe. So good. When I slept with him, that was the best I'd felt in years. But when he came to see me yesterday, he made me feel so afraid again. Every warmth was gone from him. He seemed to enjoy scaring the shit out of me. Though sometimes, even in his anger, there seemed to be a flicker of something else. A tiny twinge of regret, maybe even pity. But clearly, it was not enough for him to be merciful. I wonder what it will be like when I have to talk to him again. It had become easy. Even enjoyable. It will never be that way again.

The Savior takes me back to our room. That's surprising. I wasn't expecting the comfort of our room back after what I did.

Our room. Not anymore, I suppose. It's just me now. In all probability, Ella will never set foot in this room again. Which is what we wanted. Only I wasn't supposed to either.

The thought brings tears right back to my eyes. I try to stifle my sobs as the Savior finally unties my hands. But he notices anyway.

'Quit your crying, doc', he says, showing no empathy for my sorrows. 'It's time to take a shower, get dressed and get back to work.'

'Back to work?' I ask dazedly, rubbing the sore skin of my wrists now I can finally move my arms again. Negan did say that I would have to work for him again. But did he really expect me to just get back to work like nothing has changed after everything?

'You heard me.'

I take a few steps to put some distance between us. Then I turn around to face him.

'You can tell Negan I don't work for him anymore.'

The Savior throws me an annoyed look and sighs like he was already expecting, and dreading, this response.

'Negan said he warned you not to cause any trouble', he says, taking on a somewhat condescending tone. 'The big man's got enough on his mind, so be a good girl and do as you're fucking told.'

'What's he got on his mind?' I ask bitterly. 'He said he burned Alexandria to the ground, should be the end of his troubles, shouldn't it?'

I'm hoping to find out a little bit more about where the war stands at this point. And if anyone from Alexandria is even still alive. But the Savior doesn't fall for it.