For my sister | Negan |

26 - A surprise

When I finally get off work, I ask Cal to walk me straight to our room. I don't want to eat, because my encounter with Negan has left me a mess and I need some time to think.

I made it my goal to get him to trust me. And I was doing pretty well. But I ruined it now. He knows my heart isn't in it. Though he does think that I want to give in. I need to use that.

It's become clear that Negan sees right through obvious fakery. So I need to keep it as real as possible, without actually making it real.

Because the truth is, Negan might be right.

I don't hate it here. It's safe, saver than any other place I've ever been. We have everything we need, food, clothes, medical supplies... Even lots of stuff we don't need, like an actual television. And I don't hate the people. I really like B and I get along fine with Cal now. My patients are nice and thankful. The Saviours don't bother me much.

But, like I told Negan, I can't forget about everything that's happened. I know exactly where they got all this food and this stuff. They stole it from us and the other communities. Negan thinks he was justified in killing some of ours, because we killed some of his. But the Hilltop and the Kingdom never did anything to him and he still takes their stuff. Still killed their people.

I can't fall for his tricks. He's obviously trying to manipulate me. By providing the things I need. By making me believe that our friends don't care about us. That he is the answer. That he will take care of us.

And wouldn't it be easy to give in?

To forget about Alexandria, to accept our life here and reap the benefits? Because think about the alternative... Even if we manage to escape, going back to Alexandria isn't an option. It's the first place he'll look for us. We might be able to hide out at the Hilltop or the Kingdom but they're under his control too. We'll always be looking over our shoulders and we won't even be able to be with our friends or live in our home. We won't be sure we'll have enough food or enough medication... It will be a struggle. Again.

Here, we have everything we need. Negan is obviously stronger than any of the other communities. I hate the way he rules over them, but who would it benefit if we suffered with the rest of them? With people who let us get dragged from our home without even trying to stop them.

No. I shake my head resolutely to clear it of the horrible thoughts I'm having. He's getting into my head and I can't let him. Everything he does is so wrong. We can't just accept our lives here and sit back while others suffer under his rule. At least if we suffer with our friends, we'll be able to live with ourselves. Besides, an easy life here is not unconditional. As soon as we stop doing what he wants, it all goes away.

The sound of the door handle sounds sooner than I would have liked. I could have used some more time to myself. But I try to act normal when Ella enters the room and put on a smile to greet her.

'Hey, you alright?' she asks me as she walks in. 'I missed you at dinner.'

'Yeah, I'm alright. Just wasn't hungry', I shrug.

'You sure?' she asks, watching me inquisitively. 'Cal said Negan came to see you again and that you seemed upset after that. Did he do something?'

'Uhh...'

Shit, Cal told her? I wasn't going to mention it, but I guess I have to tell her something now.

'Well, yeah, I don't know, he said something about "my heart" not being in it', I say, sticking close to the truth. 'In this place or whatever. I thought I was well on my way earning his trust, but I guess we're not there yet.'