For my sister | Negan |

68 - Leaving

'What's wrong?'

'Nothing.'

I raise an eyebrow as I watch Ella storm into the house with thunder in her eyes. I'd ask again, but I'm pretty sure I already know what this is about.

There have been rumors going around about me. It was inevitable, I suppose, now that all the communities have finally made peace together. The people from the Sanctuary saw how Negan treated me. Some of his officers, such as Dwight, heard him brag about being with me... And of course, my own behavior just a week ago did nothing to quiet anything down.

Begging Rick to let me save Negan was generally not exactly received very well. People give me judgemental looks and whisper behind my back. Maggie hasn't said a word to me, but gave me a death stare that chilled my blood every time we accidentally crossed paths. I'm secretly relieved that she stayed back at the Hilltop because all of this doesn't make it any easier to move on from everything.

I choose to ignore it all as much as possible. But Ella doesn't. She hears anything, she jumps right on it to tell people to mind their own business. Usually in less sophisticated terms. She actually got into a fight with some other teens the other day and came home with a bloody nose. I told her to just leave it all alone, but I'm not stupid enough to think she'll listen.

I'm mostly sad that it has created a rift between her and Enid. Enid was pretty close with Glenn, so she doesn't understand that Ella can still stand behind me after what I did. Of course, she's lost Carl too, so I know she's been feeling lonely.

We have moved back to Alexandria, but it doesn't really feel like home anymore. Our old house has been destroyed in the attack. It was painful to see, but at the same time I realized I felt a little detached from it. I thought it would hurt more to see my house ruined, but I guess it already didn't really feel like my home anymore.

We moved into another house, along with Cal and B. There isn't enough room now to give everyone their own home, not until some houses have been rebuilt or patched up. I'm happy to share the house with them, because right now, they're one of the few people that don't judge me for everything I've done. Unfortunately though, they'll be leaving soon. Though the surrender of the Sanctuary has been accepted, it's going to take some time for people to really come together. The talking behind my back is nothing compared to the animosity that many former Saviours receive. So, they've decided to start over somewhere new.

Fortunately, my work keeps me occupied. There are still quite a few patients, since we're still dealing with the aftermath of everything. Though of course I'm sad for all the suffering, I'm glad for the distraction. I prefer to focus on the task on hand then to think about everything else.

Like the one patient that I don't get to see. Rick has entrusted Negan to Siddiq's care and doesn't allow anybody else to see him without his permission. Which makes sense, because there are a lot of people here that would happily put a bullet into him and Rick has decided to keep him alive. I don't think that's the reason he doesn't want me to see him, though. Clearly, Rick has heard the rumors. I'm not sure what he thinks I'd do if he did allow me to see him. It's not like I'll try to cut him loose and run off into the sunset together.

Maybe it's just that he doesn't want to grant Negan anything that might make him happy. And I guess... seeing me might make him happy. A little. I wonder how he feels now that he's lost everything. And if he's even happy that I managed to save him or that he'd rather have bled out right there under that tree.

Even though rationally, I know I should just try to forget about him and move on, I keep thinking about him. I don't talk to anybody about the time we spent together, but to myself, I can't pretend none of it ever happened. I grew to care about him and that doesn't just disappear.