For my sister | Negan |

44 - Say something

Be his queen of the Sanctuary?

I thought he was joking before, but it's starting to look like he's taking this thing further than I ever thought he would.

'I'm not sure what you mean', I tell him, feeling more anxious with every second. 'What exactly do you want from me?'

'Don't be scared', he says, trying to reassure me. 'All I really want from you is to just be you. And see if you and I can build something together. I think we could do great things together.'

'You mean, you want me to be your wife?' I ask him uncomfortably.

'No, I'm not asking you to marry me. Not right now, anyway', he adds with a wink.

I honestly can't breathe right now. He's taken my breath away before, but at least it was in a good way then. This is absolutely crazy. I can't marry him at any point in time! Even if I wanted to, I wasn't supposed to stick around long enough.

'Okay, calm down', Negan says, gently grabbing my shoulders when he sees the panic in my face. 'It was just a joke. We're not talking about marriage here. All I'm saying is that I want to see where things can go with us. And we can't do that with my wives in the picture, can we? You deserve someone who's committed to you.'

'You want to commit yourself to me?' I ask him, feeling a little dazed.

'I just really like you', he tells me. 'Don't you like me?'

'Sometimes', I blurt out. Being more honest than I probably should be. But he laughs and pulls me to his chest.

'I want to take care of you', he says, caressing my hair softly. 'I think we'd be good for each other.'

In a weird way, maybe we would be. If he'd really listen to me, maybe he could be less fierce and all the communities and the Sanctuary could live in peace together. And I can't deny that I liked spending time with him these past few days. I felt relaxed for the first time in ages, taking that bath with him and sleeping in his arms. And I haven't forgotten how he surprised me with new meds for Ella. Nobody has ever done anything like that for me. I believe that he could keep us safe and maybe... maybe taking care of Ella and my patients wouldn't be so exhausting if there was someone to take care of me as well, at the end of the day.

But of course, it's crazy to even contemplate it. For every kind thing he's done, he's done twice as many horrendous things. He sounds honest enough, but really... why would he want to make any changes for me? Or even if it's real, who knows how long it will last? He may say that he likes to have somebody offer him another perspective on things, but he didn't exactly seem to appreciate it when I spoke up against him. And after having all those wives, does he really want to be with just one woman? What if he grows tired of me and wants to change things again?

What if I've fallen in love with him by then?

'Maybe uhm...' I start, still trying to wrap my mind around everything. 'Maybe we could go back to your room to talk about this?'

'Of course.'

I break free from his embrace and offer him a nervous smile, then turn around and walk ahead to try and get my thoughts in order.

'Don't forget your smelly rabbit', Negan says, tossing me the thing when I turn around.

'Oh, yeah, thanks.'

I can feel his eyes on me as we walk beside each other, back to his room. I have to tell him no. Of course I do. Even if I wanted to accept, I would ruin my relationship with Ella forever. And I don't want it anyway. Do I? No. Of course I don't. I want to get away from here with Ella. Get back home, back to Alexandria. Back to our friends, back to our house, back to my patients.