Before You (BY: Book 1)

Nothing's Wrong With You

Stef's POV

What the fuck was wrong with me? I kissed her, I kissed her, and for the first time ever I felt so alive. Her lips were so warm and welcoming. What came over me? What am I going to do now?

Plus, she's right, she didn't pull away, she seemed surprised, but she kissed me back. But what does that mean? Does she like me? What was that?

Am I gay now? Do I love women? Or is it just Lena?

And Brandon? God what could I say to him? And my dad, and Mike?

How am I going to face Lena after that? It's not like I can just avoid her.

This is so fuck up, I feel so ashamed, so dirty and wrong. I didn't control myself at all. My body and my heart took over and my head went off. Completely. All I could see were her full lips, and then all I could feel was her. She's so beautiful, and sensitive, and kind. I don't want to hurt her; I don't want to make her feel as ashamed as I'm.

Why can't I just be normal?

Lena called all day long on Saturday, and I couldn't at least touch my phone when I was seeing her name. I couldn't even turn it off, it was just ringing over and over and I was there, frozen.

I was glad that Brandon wasn't here for I was a mess. I am a freaking mess. And I'm even more glad that Mike was going to dropping him off to school Monday morning.

Then I heard my doorbell. Who the fuck can be here on the Sunday? And I was praying that it wasn't my mom for I wasn't in the mood at all.

I open the door, and it was worse than my mom. It was Lena. I have nothing to say to her. I don't know what happen and I don't want to talk about it. But I couldn't slam the door in her face, she didn't do anything wrong, I did.

I look at her, not knowing what to say, standing there. Frozen, again. After a while, she decided to speak.

"Stef, can I come in?" she said nervously. As I didn't say anything and just motion her to come in, closing the door behind her.

She took a sit on the couch as I was still there, not able to form a single word. Again, we were silence for a few minutes.

"So, we're not going to talk about this?" she said slowly.

"I..., there's nothing to talk about, Lena. It was a mistake and I'm sorry, it won't happen again." I said, unable to look at her in the eyes.

"How can you say that? How can you say that it was a mistake? It didn't feel like a mistake Stef." She said, trying to find my eyes, as I was growing anxious, for no, it didn't feel like a mistake.

"Lena, I'm not... I'm not... like that. I like men, I'm married, and you have a... you have someone." I said, trying to find reasons for her to give up and go away.

"I broke up with Nora the night you kissed me Stef." She said immediately.

"What?! Why would you do that?!" I ask in disbelieve for this were going out of control.

"I told you why. She's not the one I can't get out of my head. That is you Stef!" She said, as at that I look right into her eyes. What was she saying? I don't understand. And it doesn't change the fact that I'm not gay, and I'm still married to Mike.

"Please! Say something!" she almost screams at me, for it was like I was watching the entire thing and that I was out of my body.

"Stef, I'm not crazy, something is happening between us. Tell me you feel it too. Please!" she said, in a pleading voice, as I wanted to scream that yes, yes, I feel it, and yes, I wanted more of it. But I couldn't explain to her that it was wrong of me to feel that, how could I explain that to her?