Before You (BY: Book 1)

I'm Begging You

Stef's POV

I didn't know what to do with myself anymore. How am I supposed to go back to my life after hearing all of those horrible things at my parents'.

Knowing that my father cheated on my mother, multiple time at that, I mean, I'd always admire him, I've always found him perfect, and I wanted more than anything to be like him, do everything like him so he would be proud, but now...

I'm realizing that almost all my life was based on an idea, a fantasy about a man that was weaker than what I thought.

I don't feel right being me, I don't feel right in my head, in my body, I'm drowning, and I don't know what to do, how to continue to move on and deal with life knowing that my father rather see me hurt and suffering in a conversion camp than happy with a woman.

I can't stop reliving the other night again and again into my head, it doesn't want to stop no matter how hard I try and it's driving me completely crazy.

Lena was the only thing that could ease my mind a few minutes for when I was focus only on her I could get some relieve but then what?

I woke up this morning in her arms, and immediately I felt like I was burning inside for I felt that level of shame all over again and now that I know that I shouldn't, I feel weak, I feel useless. I should be over it by now, I should be stronger than that. Why am I still so repressed and scared of my own feelings to the point that I'm trying very hard to suppressed them, not to feel.

I quickly stood up to go in the bathroom, I needed a shower and badly and then I had to go to work and if I'm honest, I don't even want to wake up Lena, I don't want her to see me, I just want to disappear right now.

I was fixing the last button of my uniform, looking at me in the mirror, feeling like I was completely disconnected of myself. How is that even possible? Sure, I've been like this all my life, but I was doing much better, Lena helped me, and I was fine, I was happy and finally myself, so how was it so easy for me to go back in this state of surviving this fast? I must be very, very weak. Fuck.

"Hey sexy, why didn't you wake me up? We could have taken that shower together before you go." Lena said entering the bathroom and coming behind me, sliding her hands on my waist and pressing her front to my back.

She was naked, and goddamn gorgeous, but I was unable to look at her in the eyes, not even in the mirror.

"You seemed to need the sleep." I said softly, trying with everything in me not to be tense.

"You're better than sleep, officer." She said seductively, as she roam her hands on my stomach toward my breasts and I was going to stop breathing, I need her to stop, but I didn't want her to feel rejected, I didn't for she doesn't deserve this but I swear I couldn't bare someone touching me right now, so I did the only thing that could distracted her enough from me and that could make her feel loved at the same time, for this one however didn't change.

So, I turned around almost abruptly and back her up against the wall, putting her arms along her sides, my body pressed against her as she gasps and look at me with lust but also surprise.

"You make me wet." She whispers as I just kissed her so she wouldn't say anything more, I couldn't hear anything more, I just wanted to make her feel good because this is the only thing that keep me somewhat sane and then I had this urge to run away.

I love her, I love her more than this life and yet I feel this shame all over again and I hated myself for it. I let my father get to me, again. And now I don't know what to do except fuck my girlfriend so she wouldn't ask questions.

I cup her wet pussy in my hand, feeling her literally drip on me as my other hand wrapped around her throat gently. I was kissing her endlessly, and then run my tongue behind her ear as I work her up, my hand going firmly back and forth on her pussy lips as her breathing intensify. She was gripping on my arms as her closed eyes let me the occasion to watch her beautiful face that I'm so in love with.