Before You (BY: Book 1)

Longing

Stef's POV

I was so relieved that Lena had forgiven me for how I react the other day, I really was. And I was even more relived to see that, more and more, Brandon takes Lena as my girlfriend and has no problem with it at all, even encouraging me to see her more often.

What was sad however was that Mike was still being distant with Brandon, barely calling him and even when I proposed that he can see his son, he always finds an excuse.

The cop in me, knew that I needed to keep an eye on him, getting information here and there on how he's doing. And unfortunately, the news wasn't good. He was still very much drinking, being at the bar every night apparently, and the barman even said that he had to call a cab for him at the early morning more than once.

It was literally killing me that my ex-husband was in such a dark place, when I get to experience the love that I have now with Lena. And to say that I was feeling guilty was understatement for I really was, even though I try to remind myself that I didn't put the bottle into his hand, and that he was drinking way before the news about my sexuality came out.

Now, for Brandon and, I admit a little bit out of guilt, I was trying to find a rehabilitation program somewhere for an alcoholic, for Mike. But I knew that never in life he would accept it coming from me, so I had no choice but ask Captain Robert to tell him to go the day she told me that she was very close to fired him, for he missed so many days, and when he was here, he wasn't really.

She told me that the minute I find something, I have to tell her, and she will personally talk to Mike, as I was hoping with everything in me that he would come back to being the good man, and good father I know he is.

In another hand, I didn't get any news of my parents for quite some time. It hurts, but I guess I'm better without them at all, than with them messing with my head and hurting me over and over.

Of course, Brandon was asking why he couldn't see them, and I had to lie and say that they were on some trip, but that would not work forever, and at some point, I would have to tell him the truth. I know that my issue with my parents is not Brandon's, but I'm completely terrified that my father would try to say things to Brandon and mess with his head as well. I couldn't allow that for my son was already having a hard time not seeing his father.

That as well was a struggle to explain to him. On this one, I prefer to tell the truth, not blaming his father or anyone, but just explain to him that sometime people struggle to deal with things, and it happen that some people have an unhealthy way to cope with life. However, I reassure him, that he's father was going to get help and that everything would be okay, but I admit that I felt like I was lying still, for I can't know for sure that everything is really going to be okay.

Anyway, last night, when Brandon and I came over at Lena's, she told me that her friends were harassing her to see me. I was pretty amused even though I have to admit that I was a tiny bit nervous, but other than that I was actually ready to meet her friends.

When she told me that they probably would want to go in a gay bar, I was at first a bit anxious, but the more I think about it, the more I want to go so I could finally live everything that I used to forbid myself to live or even consider. Never have I ever had a friend that wasn't straight, and Lena was actually the only lesbian I knew. It's not a secret that eventually they are gay people in the forces, but I've always ignored it, I don't know who they are, I don't know if it's only rumors or something, but I had always stay with Mike and Mike's friends who after some time became kind of my friend, all of them are men. It was pretty clear now that I was avoiding women like the plague and that was another fact that I ignore completely all those years.