SAVE THE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD// FIVE HARGREEVES

2:19

After eating seven tacos, Athena laid on the floor of Alison's beauty parlour, drinking a bottle of vodka and listen to her rant about her husband while she did Klaus's hair

Allison barked in anger "the nerve of that man, i mean one thing goes wrong and he's on a warpath, i mean, doesn't know who i am? No no no Ray you know exactly who i am you just can't handle it" Allison fumed while doing Klaus's hair

Vanya sat in the salon chair, making gun fingers in the mirror to herself "pew pew" she mumbled

"I mean i'm protecting him" she softly slapped Klaus

"Ow. from what?"

"The end of the world for one"

"Is the world really gonna end in six days?" Vanya asked looking in the reflection in the mirror

"Well, it did last time and we did everything Five could think of to stop it"

Klaus put his cig in his mouth and put his feet down "hey, wouldn't it be weird if Five grew up all hot? Wouldn't that be weird?" Vanya and Allison groaned as she laughed at the man "oh ew! Ew" he mocked "please, miss Luther is my Lover- wait you, you knew him before you knew you fell out of the black hole, what did he look like?" they all turned to her as Klaus waved his hands

She gasped "oh yeah your right" She looked up, trying to remember what he looked like "like..like tom cruise mixed with Jake Gyllenhaal a bit of John Mulaney and Maxence Dannet-Fauvel ooh and some Timothee Chalamet" she nodded

"Woah" Klaus giggled

"We have never even kissed" Allison protested

"Yeah, but you guys were making little sick moondog eyes at each other all through puberty and breakfasts and all that" Klaus waved his flask around

Allison sat on Klaus's old seat and put her legs up, Vanya's forehead creased in confusion "Aren't we all brothers and sisters, or..?"

Klaus snorted dramatically, waiting for the woman's response "well...technically, it-"

"Technically? If you have to use the word technically your already in trouble" klaus giggled

"Okay, can..can we focus, because clearly were not going to save the world tonight we could at least try to save my marriage" Klaus poured more liquor into his flask

"No!" Klaus objected "no, because that's like that's like asking a nun how to hump someone's leg" She looked up at the man, let out a cackle and layed back on the floor"i mean who in this room knows shit about relationships? This one?" he pointed to Vanya "in secret love with some farm Frau"

"Her names sissy" she squinted
"Which is an improvement on her previous love interest,the serial killer" Klaus turned to the other two

"What?" Vanya's eyes widened, Allison promised to tell her later

"Meanwhile, i'm carrying a torch for a soldier i haven't technically met yet, this little one has some weird love hate relationship with our grump of a brother and Luther is in love with his sister" he swallowed a burp

"Okay again we are not biological" Athena giggled at the woman's desperate tone

"Face it, the healthiest long-term relationship in this family was when Five was banging that mannequin" Klaus remarked everyone staring at him "the only thing the umbrella academy knows about love...is how to screw it up" he raised his flask in the air

"Cheers" they all said raising their alcohol

"How do you guys deal with this?I mean all of it. The time travel, seeing the dead, having fire hands i mean that must be annoying, the end of the world"

"Well i get really high, Allison..Allison..lies to herself" Allison kicked a chair at Klaus "Athena lights shit on fire and pretends shes someone else" she layed on the floor, trying to spill vodka into her mouth while sticking her middle finger towards Klaus "and you suppress all your emotions deep, deep down until you..you blow shit up"

Vanya stared at Klaus as he took a drag from his cig "yeah, i'd really like to not do that anymore"

"And thank god you don't" Athena got up and placed a hand on her shoulder "because we don't want that either"

Klaus lent his head on his arm "Well, you've got six days missy"

"What the hell are we supposed to do with six days?" Allison shook her head, spinning on her chair

"Party?" Vanya scoffed at Klaus "i don't know"

Vanya's eyes lit up "im gonna tell sissy that i love her" Klaus exhaled, smoke coming out of his mouth "i don't want any secrets" Klaus agreed with her, although his face was saying something else

"Yeah" Allison threw the brush onto the table standing up "yeah, yeah you're right, yes cause you know if- if its all gonna go tits up the least i could do is be honest with my husband"

Oh..does that mean we have to face our cult?" Klaus said making Athena groan "i just hate group breakups, that's why i stopped dating twins" he looked at Athena "that's not all you have to face birdie, you've got to do something about this Five thing"

She sat up "i said one thing about him in like 1962 and ever since than you've been all over me about it- i'm not in love with him" she took another sip of her drink

"Oh, darling everybody sees how you look at him" the attention turned to her

"Really?" her voice went higher

"Yeah" they all murmured

"Wow" was all she could say

"This family's amazing" Vanya put her hands up

Klaus cackled and stood up "Yeah sure"

"Okay, lets not get ahead of ourselves" Allison and Klaus danced around the room

"Come here, Vanya" Klaus wiggled his eyebrows "Attie, yoo-hoo you too your apart of this 'wonderful family as Vanya says" he urged

"Come on, get over here" Allison smiled as Vanya hopped over to the two

That sentence made her freeze, she felt a lump in her throat and immediately cleared her throat "your going to make me cry, stop it" she tried to wrap her arms around all three of them "getting drunk never ends well, why do i never learn"

"Because it's fun" Klaus remarked

She laughed and looked at the clock "shit, i need to find Five"

"No, no" Allison held the girl "stay, we never got to hang out all together" Allison gasped "oh! You guys! I love this song" she turned up the radio on the table

They began to dance around the small girl as she tried to wipe the smile off her face. Klaus took her arms and spun her around "fine, after this song"