Donut stands on top of Red Base in pink armor.
Donut: Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got the Blue flag, they gave me my own color armor!
Grif and Simmons look at each other.
Grif: Uh... hey, Donut?
Donut: What?
Simmons: Um, about your armor...
Donut: What about it?
Simmons: How do I put this... Your armor is, um... It's a little, um... Grif, uh, you wanna help me out here?
Grif: It's pink. Your armor is frickin' pink!
Simmons: Yeah, that's it. Pink.
Donut: Pink? My armor's not pink!
Grif: PINK.
Simmons: Yeah, definitely pink.
Donut: You guys are color-blind. Why would they give me pink armor?
Grif: Hey, don't ask, don't tell.
Simmons: [over Grif's laughter] Heh, that's not funny.
Grif: [laughs a little more] It's a little funny.
Donut: Look at it, it's not pink. It's like, uh.. a "lightish red".
Grif: Guess what? They already have a color for lightish red. You know what it's called? Pink.
Donut: I hate you guys.
Sarge: [running up the ramp with Lopez in tow] Well hello, dirtbags. ...and a fine hello to you, madam.
Donut: It's LIGHT red.
Sarge: Don't get your panties in a wad there, Barbie. Do you have a package for me?
Donut: Yes sir.
Sarge: Excellent.
Donut: [holding up a mechanical unit] They said this speech unit should work with Lopez.
Grif: Speech unit?
Donut: [handing the unit over to Sarge] Here you go.
Sarge: Affirmative. Command was fresh out of speech modules when I started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to. ...No offense, Simmons.
Simmons: Oh, don't worry, I know who you meant, sir.
Grif: Wait a second.. Lopez is a robot?
Simmons: Of course he is. You didn't notice that he never talks?
Grif: I just thought he was a really quiet guy.
Sarge: And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?
Grif: Well I-I did think the motor oil thing was a bit odd... Uh, I just thought he was trying to impress me.
Simmons: Hey, sir. You really should ground yourself before handling that card.
Sarge: How come?
Simmons: Because static could damage the card.
Sarge: Come on. That's an urban legend they use to sell those stupid bracelets. [Grif and Simmons look at each other] And I suppose Pop Rocks and soda's gonna make my stomach blow up! [he inserts the card and there's a visible electric discharge which makes him jump back] YOW!
Simmons: Sir. I won't say "I told you so", sir.
Sarge: Good. I'd hate to make Strawberry Shortcake here my new favorite Private.
Donut: It's not pink, it's lightish red!
Cut to Caboose and Tucker outside the Blue Base. Tucker's armor is clean, but Caboose's is still black.
Caboose: [panting] Ah, man, uh, you know, this stuff does not come off easy?
Tucker: Yeah, this was a lot easier when we were cleaning just my armor.
Caboose: Yeah, I know that, that's I think because you know, uh, YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
Tucker: I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team-killing.
Caboose: Ah, ah, aaahhhh ha ha ha ha ah yeah, ah yeah aha, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... Don't make me mad.
Rayner walks up to Caboose and Tucker.
Rayner: Hey, I'm back. [turns to Tucker] You just finished cleaning your armor?
Tucker: Yeah. Wait, how'd you cleaned your's so fast?
Rayner: It was just some easy to remove spray paint that I used. All it took was just one splash of water and it was all gone.
Caboose: Lucky.
Cut to Donut.
Donut: So, what happened to me anyway? I recall something about a spider on my head?
Grif: Right. That was a grenade.
Donut: And the last thing I remember.. is a loud bang.. and then Simmons fainting...
Grif: Ha! Told you so!
Simmons: I did not faint.
Sarge: Done and done. Lopez. Activate speech unit!
Lopez: Buenos días. Y gracias da por activar mi función del discurso. Soy el número de modelo cero uno cero uno uno tres cuatro ocho ocho dos tres. (Good morning. And thank you for activating my speech function. I am the model number zero one zero one one three four eight eight two three.)
Donut: [over the last five numbers] Am I the only one not understanding any of this?
Lopez: Me llamo López. (My name is Lopez)
Grif: Lopez, he just said Lopez! I understood that. I can speak Spanish!
Sarge: Lopez, speak English.
Lopez: Mi procesador de inglés ha funcionado mal.Se habla solamente español. (My English processor has malfunctioned. I speak only Spanish.)
Simmons: Huh, I think you shorted out his speech unit with that static, sir.
Sarge: Maybe Princess Peach here picked up the wrong model.
Donut: Seriously, dude. For the last time: Not pink.
Sarge: Lopez. I order you to speak a language we understand.
Lopez: Negativo. (Negative)
Sarge: Well this is just dandy. Lopez, HOW - DO - WE - FIX - YOUR - SPEECH - U-NIT?
Grif: Why are you talking so slow? He understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower.
Sarge: Lopez, would you like to shoot Grif?
Lopez: [raising his gun] Sí señor. Gracias.(Yes sir. Thank you)
Fade to black.
Grif: No, stop! Uh, alto, alto!
Simmons: Alto means tall, you dumbass.
Grif: Then why do they put it on stop signs?
YOU ARE READING
Red vs Blue : Mirage
HumorFormer mercenary Kyle Rayner has lived a rough life. After retiring from mercenary work he sought to live a normal life, but soon learns how hard it is to adjust to civilian life after all the grueling missions he's been on. So, he does the next bes...
