Red vs Blue : Mirage

Sneaking In

Fade in to the Blue guys guarding the temple/base that Tex is supposed to attack.

Blue Grunt 1: Hey Reds! We're guarding the shit outta this wall, you suck!

Red Grunt: Your wall's easy to guard, try ours!

Blue Grunt 2: You don't even have a roof up there, you suck. What're you guarding it from, birds?

Red Grunt: You suck.

Blue Grunt 2: You suck.

Blue Grunt 1: You suck.

Red Grunt: You suck.

Blue Grunt 1: You suck.

Blue Grunt 2: You suck.

Blue Grunt 1: You suck.

Red Grunt: You suck.

Blue Grunt 2: No you do!

Red Grunt: We suck. No you suck.

Blue Grunt 1: Okay never mind.

Blue Grunt 2: You suck!

Tucker: Oh, those guys? How did they get here?

Caboose: Shush. Tex told us to be quiet.

Tucker: Caboose, we're three hundred yards away. I don't think they heard us.

Red Grunt: I think I heard something.

Tucker: I'm sure that was just a coincidence.

Tex arrives inside the temple

Andy: Alright. After she takes out those three one by one, we probably stand a chance.

Tex starts beating on one of the Blue grunts

Blue Grunt: Ow, what the fuck, that hurt! Ow!

Andy: Or maybe not.

Blue Grunt: Ow! Ow! Jesus! Ow! Stop it!

Tucker: Uh oh.

Blue Grunt: What the fuck? Ow, ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Second Blue Grunt: Heugh... So, did you watch the game last night?

Red Grunt: Yeah, go Red.

Second Blue Grunt: Fuck that, Red sucks.

Blue Grunt: Now you're shooting me! Give me a break, this sucks! What the fuck did I ever do to you?! COME ONNNN!

Tucker: What the fuck, are they deaf!?

A sniper shot hits behind Tucker

Tucker: Oh right, that you heard?

A plasma grenade lands on the Blue grunt at the turret and blows him up.

All the Grunts: Huh?

That First Blue Grunt: What?

Tex: Hiya fellas. Who's next?

All the Grunts: Charge!

They charge, Tex mows them down with two SMGs, proving once again that she's a total badass.

Tucker: That went well. So much for a sneak attack.

Cut to Donut talking on Red Base back in the Gulch

Donut: And that's how I rescued you both, and saved the day. The end. Any questions?

Grif: Donut, that was the longest story I have ever heard. And I don't think I believed a word of it.

Sarge: And quite frankly I found the showtune in the middle to be a little over the top.

Donut: Every word is absolutely true. It was the best military operation that you two ever slept through.

Grif: If everything went so well, then where's our jeep?

Donut: Well, I have a song I'd like to sing about that.

Grif: Forget it.

Cut to Church, Rayner and Blue Simmons spying on the Reds through Church's sniper rifle.

Church: Okay, that red one? That's Sarge. He's their leader, which is lucky for us because... well he's not that good a leader.

Simmons: Okay.

Church: And the one next to him is Donut. I like Donut, he's pretty harmless man, I, I don't think he'd hurt a fly.

Simmons: Yeah, plus he's a little...

Church: A little, what?

Simmons: You know.

Church: No I, no I don't know.

Simmons: You know, he's kinda into, girly stuff like ...feelings, and... da- you know.

Rayner: What's wrong with liking girly stuff? I still have my frilly pink apron that my sister got me for my birthday. I also like romance flicks and shoujo manga.

Church: Uh, yeah I think you might be projecting, there.

Simmons: I'm not projecting, I'm just stating an observation.

Church: I don't know man. You seem pretty defensive for somebody who's not projecting.

Simmons: His armor is pink.

Church: Pink, I wouldn't say pink, maybe... you know, slightly less red, but-

Rayner: Lightish red.

Church: Yeah, that's it.

Simmons: It's pink, trust me. I know pink when I see it.

Church: Uh yeah, I bet. You wanna talk about it?

Simmons: No.

Church: And last is the orange one, that's Grif. He's really lazy, and really annoying.

Simmons: (dreamily) Yeah.

Rayner: But, at least he's smart. In fact I think he might be the smartest, no, he's definitely the smartest one of the bunch.

Simmons: You mean smarter than all of the ones there now.

Rayner: No I mean all of them put together man, there's this other guy, who hangs around, in maroon armor? We haven't seen him in a while but he's a freakin' know-it-all man. He's the guy that goes "Uhm, ACTUALLY..." it's kinda annoying.

Simmons: What?

Church: Yeah he walks around like he owns the place, and, you know he- you know, but nobody listens to him, and they always make fun of him behind his back.

Simmons: What do they say?

Church: Oh just how he's not good at stuff, and how he's dumb, and how the stuff he likes is dumb, and also that, you know, he's not as attractive as other people are.

Rayner: And how he's an absolute kiss-ass that's always trying to hog the spotlight.

Simmons: (Sniff, then as if holding back tears) Man, he sounds like a real jerk.

Simmons runs off.

Church: Hehey, where ya goin'?

Simmons: I have to use the bathroom.

Church: Well, u-hurry up man, I wanna finish your orientation before you have to make me dinner.

Sheila: ...You do know that's Simmons, right?

Church: Oh yeah.

Rayner: Oh absolutely. Not everyday you can mess with a red like this.