Red vs Blue : Mirage

Red vs Bleu

The Reds and Blues are not shooting at each other. Sarge is addressing Church.

Sarge: We are giving you a chance to surrender!

Grif: There's no way this bluff is gonna work.

Sarge: Put a cork in it, Fast Eddie. There's positively no way they know we're outta ammo.

Cut to the Blues.

Church: Yeah you're right, they're definitely outta ammo... (yells back) What're your terms?!

Rayner: We're not gonna fight back?

Church: I don't really feel like like fighting them.

Rayner: Oh right, you can't shoot for shit. (yells to the reds) Yeah! What do you want!?

Church: Hey, screw you!

Cut to the Reds.

Grif: Our what?

Simmons: I can't believe this is actually working. See if we can get Lopez back, Sarge.

Grif: Oh yeah. 'Cause then he can fix the Warthog.

Donut: Oo oo, Sarge - tell them we want the flag.

Grif: Yeah, and some cake!

Donut: Ooh... Wait wait Sarge, just the cake.

Sarge: Alright, Blues! First off! We want your flag-!

Simmons: Wait wait wait just a second. The last time we got the flag, the chick in the black armor showed up.

Sarge: ...to stay right where it is! Keep the flag! But we do want our mechanized droid guy back!

Church: Uh oh.

Sarge: You may know him as Señor El Roboto!

Cut to the Blues.

Rayner: Well, Church, what's it gonna be?

Church: Chingado, no way. I'm not giving back my body. I just got this thing.

Sarge: And don't think you can keep his nuts! Or bolts, or other mechanical parts you may have!

Church: Uh.. Uh, he's not here any more!

Rayner: Yeah! He came here trying to attack us, but we drove him off! I think he retreated to the cliffs or something!

Sarge: Fighting the blues head on! You were truly a perfect example of a Red soldier, Lopez. I truly hope, when you're ready, you'll return to us. Fight on, ombre.

Church: Hey, Reds! How about a medic?! Would you take a medic as a hostage?!

Doc: A hostage? But I'm supposed to go over there.

Cut to the Reds.

Simmons: Meh, that sounds pretty good to me.

Grif: I don't know, I think we can hold out for more.

Simmons: We don't have any bullets, dumbass.

Grif: Oh, right. Take the medic. The medic's a good deal.

Cut to the Blues.

Church: Hey, Doc. How's the patient?

Doc: Doing well. He seems very alert and responsive.

Tucker: This is the last time I'm following any of your plan, Church!

Church: What? It was Rayner's idea about the diversion. Don't bitch to me about that!

Tucker: Well at least his idea almost worked! If we had gone with yours I would've been riddled with bullets.

Rayner: (gets in between Tucker and Church) Alright, enough you two. Clearly we need to train our team work better so that this doesn't happen again.

Church & Tucker: (groans) Ugh, do we have to?

Caboose: (excited)Oh, oh, how about we roleplay as cops and robbers! Me and Rayner the cops and you two will be the dirty criminals!

Church, Rayner & Tucker: NO!!

Doc: (sighs) Tell you what... Go ahead and send me over. I really don't think I can be any more help.

Church: Okay! We're gonna send over our medic! Now what do we get?!

Simmons: You?! You're surrendering! You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule!

Tucker: We've already got that! What else do you have?!

Sarge: What do you want?!

Church: How about if you admit that the Red Team sucks?!

The Reds mutter to themselves for a moment.

Sarge: What if we admit that one of us sucks?!

Grif: NICE. Wait, you mean Donut, right?

Screen blacks and shows "two hours later" in white letters, then returns to the Blues.

Church: Okay then! We agree to the terms?! You first, and then we send over the medic!

Rayner: (starts recording in his helmet) hehehehe.

Sarge: Get on with it, Grif.

Grif: (grunting sigh) I would just like to let everyone know.. that I suck!

Church: And?!

Grif: And that I'm a girl!

Church: What else!?

Grif: And I like ribbons in my hair! And I want to kiss all the boys!

Sarge: This may be the best surrender of all time.

Simmons: Okay, is that good enough?!

Church: Yeah! (turns to Doc) Alright, go ahead Doc.

Doc runs over to the Reds.

Grif: Man, I really hope you're worth this.

Doc: Can I ask you a question? Do they put something in the water here?

Grif: Water? We ran outta water six months ago.

Doc: No water.. Then what do you drink?

Grif: Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy, the usual.

Sarge: I only drink the blood of my enemies. And occasionally a strawberry Yoo-hoo. Or a Sarsaparilla. Grenadine, straight from the can. Deeelicious. ...Oh, occasionally I do enjoy a 'Sex on the Beach.' Or a piña colada. (singing) If you like piña coladas, hengh! Gettin' caught in the rain, hengh! And you're not in to yoga, engh! Grif just has half a brain, ungh.