Red vs Blue : Mirage

Spelunked

Fade in to Sarge in the cavern.

Sarge: Yeaow, what in the... stupid Grif and Simmons. Can't even build a regulation grave! What did we run all those drills for? So, this is the afterlife, huh? Heh. Not too impressive if you ask me. This place is a wreck! Who's in charge here, anyway? Need to get me a couple o' Marine Angels, get this place spic 'n' span in no time. You know, now that I think about it, I don't seem to remember much about underground caves in the Bible. Not even that new Bible they rewrote in twenty-forty, with that big chase scene and that weird cameo by Ben Stiller. That guy's a nut. Wait a minute afterlife!? Underground cave!? What if this isn't Heaven! What if it's... noh, it couldn't be. Could it?

Donut: Oh hey Sarge. What're you doin' down here?

Sarge: It is! Oh, it is.

Cut to Caboose, Tucker, Rayner and Church watching Tex and Sister from afar.

Church: Oh man, this is not gonna work out well for us.

Tucker: Dude, are you kidding? We finally have two girls on our team. You know what that means.

Rayner: That I don't have to hear you whining about there being no chicks.

Caboose: Yeah. Co-ed softball team! I'm gonna go get my baseball racket.

Church: Tucker, I know what you're thinking, and it's not gonna happen.

Tucker: Oh, why not.

Church: Because girls can't share anything. Not even an apartment. Every time girls live together, within six months, they all hate each other, and somebody gets stuck with a twelve hundred dollar phone bill. That's fact.

Rayner: Speaking from experience?

Tucker: Ah, let them fight. As long as we get to watch them making up who cares? We can even record it and sell copies to the Reds.

Rayner: What makes you think they're not gonna pull you into their fighting?

Tucker: Hohoh, yes please. Let me get in between you, babes.

Rayner: *sigh* I walked right into that one didn't I?

Church: Yup.

Back to the cavern.

Sarge: Nooooo. Moooan.

Donut: It's been crazy down here Sarge.

Sarge: Noooo.

Donut: You wouldn't believe all the stuff I found.

Sarge: Sorrowful sounds. Pleas for forgiveness.

Donut: Sarge, keep it down.

Sarge: I have sinned.

Donut: We don't want them to hear you.

Sarge: Donut. Don't interrupt my repentful moaning. If I want God to forgive me, I need to be as miserable as possible. He loves that stuff.

Donut: This isn't Hell, Sarge! And you're not dead.

Sarge: Repent! Repent!

Donut: Come on Sarge, be quiet. I've been exploring down here and I've found some really crazy stuff. Look!

Donut and Sarge peer at a Blue facility from a distance.

Sarge: Why that fort looks like a Blue Base. And just when I thought Hell couldn't get any worse.

Donut: Yeah, but look at that.

Donut points at a big purple thing.

Sarge: What in the hell is that thing?

Donut: I don't know, but it sure looks a lot like the motorcycle I found in the cave upstairs.

Sarge: Donut why didn't you report this?

Donut: I couldn't! My radio broke when I fell.

Queue radio sounds.

Simmons: Come in Sarge, are you there?

Sarge: Hello, is that you Simmons?

Donut: No, I'm Dooonut. Did you get amnesia from your fall or something?

Sarge: Shut up, Donut.

Donut: Uh, okay?

Simmons: Sarge, we're down in the cave with you. Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay.

Sarge: Fine. What's your location?

Donut: I'm standing right here, next to you!

Sarge: Shut up!

Simmons: We're looking for you right now, this place is huge! Grif is with me and we're up on top of some kind of peninsular outcropping.

Sarge: Euh, you're on top o' Grif's what?

Donut: Grif isn't anywhere around here.

Sarge: Donut, I told you to be quiet!

Donut: Well stop asking me stuff then.

Simmons: No, we're on a peninsular ledge trying to find you.

Sarge: Roger that, I've got Donut. You sit tight and we'll find you.

Simmons: Roger that. Simmons out.

Grif: Dude, what was all that stuff about your penis ruler?

Sarge: I just talked to Simmons on the radio.

Donut: Ooohohoh, the radio.

Sarge: I told him to hold still, we'll come to them.

Donut: Sarge, I don't think you realize just how big this place is. There's no landmarks or anything, just one rock after another that all look the same. Finding them will be like finding a needle in a haystack.

Sarge: He said they were standing on some kind of a, penis nu-

Donut: Oh! I know where that is. Let's go.