Red vs Blue : Mirage

Baby Steps

Fade in to Church approaching Rayner—whose facing away from him—and Doc.

Church: Hey guys, we've got problems man, I need to call Command.

Rayner: ...

Doc: ...

Church: Hello? Earth to Doc. I mean, this place, to Doc.

Doc: Don't you wanna say hello to our new friend?

Church: What?

Rayner turns around, letting Church see what he's holding in his hands.

Baby Alien: Honk?

Church: I don't... I c- I can't, I can't I don't, this is-

Rayner: Say hello to the newest member of blue team.

Doc: Take your time. This is a big moment.

Baby Alien: Blarg.

Church: I can't deal with this right now.

Rayner: Well you better start training to. 'Cause this is very much real.

Baby Alien: Hnnnk!

Church: Shut up, you're disgusting. Doc, what is Vic's number?

Doc: What for?

Church: For reinforcements. Wait, unless, you've had like, specialized combat training in the last ten minutes.

Doc: Uh, nope.

Church: Then yeah, reinforcements.

Rayner: Wait what happened? Is it so bad that I can't handle it?

Church: Normally I think you could, but given you'd just lost a shit ton of blood– speaking of, aren't you supposed to be, y'know, near dead from blood loss?

Rayner: Eh, I had Doc dial my girlfriend and I had her whisper sweet nothings in my ear. She had my body producing more blood to get me excited in just seconds.

Church: Eugh, fuck man you're starting to sound like Tucker.

Rayner: And I'm obsessed with my girlfriend like you, sooo...

Church: Okay I'd like to call for those reinforcements now.

Doc: Well I did just change a dirty diaper-

Church: That doesn't count.

Doc: I don't know, it was a real doozy. Number two.

Church: Doc, focus! Vic's number, what is it?

Doc: Come on Church, everybody remembers Vic's number! Didn't he ever teach you the song?

Church: Oh right. Vic's jingle.

Doc: (singing) If you want to talk, don't email. And don't you click click click click, just call me up at five five five, V-I-C-K.

Church: You know it probably would have been more memorable if it rhymed. Or if his name actually ended in a K.

Doc: Oh, music is a great way to learn things. That's how I studied for the MCAT.

Church: You passed the MCAT?

Doc: Nha ha ha hah, not even close. But you should really hear my rendition of the Kelly Clarkson song "Miss Independence." It teaches you all about the lymphatic system. (singing) Doum, d-doum, lymphatic system-"