Red vs Blue : Mirage

Motion to Adjourn

Firefight outside the Blue Base.

Church: Okay, Tucker, I need you to get up there, help Caboose shore up the defense, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice.

Tucker: I didn’t even know what half of that meant.

Rayner: Just go over to Caboose’s rock, and fire your gun a bunch.

Tucker: That rock? Yeah, I don’t think so.

Church: We do not have time to discuss this.

Tucker: Sure, no time for you to discuss it. You get to hang out here with Nancy No-Bullets shootin’ the breeze and the best soldier here. Meanwhile, I’m out there, running around, eating a machine gun sandwich.

Rayner: Relax, Tucker, we’re gonna give you covering fire.

Tucker: Covering fire? Unless that means you’re gonna build a huge, bullet-proof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now.

Church: No problem. Oh wait wait, does the blood have to be in your body?

Rayner: Okay, how ‘bout this. I’ll draw their fire away and you go when it’s clear, sound good?

Tucker: …(sigh) alright, fine.

Zoom to Grif and Simmons firing their respective machine guns at the Blues.

Grif: Simmmonns… I-I can’tt ffeeel my handdds.

Simmons: Maybe you should lay off the trigger, you dumbass.

Zoom back to Rayner.

Rayner: Alright, here we go.

Suddenly, two doubles of Rayner emerges from his suit and starts running out in the open, drawing fire.

Simmons: (sees the clones) There! (they start shooting the clones)

Church & Tucker: (shocked) What the fuck!?
DuFresne: Huh?

Rayner: (to Tucker)Go now!

Tucker: Oh, uh, right!

Tucker starts to run to Caboose, but Sarge noticed this.

Sarge: Oh no you don’t , blue! (shoots at Tucker)

Tucker gets hit in the shoulder  before falling in front of Caboose behind the rock.

Tucker: (in pain) Oww, my shoulder!

Caboose: (peppy) Hey, Tucker! Welcome to my rock! (deep scary voice) Where you will spend your last, painful moments. Muahahaha!

Tucker: (scared) H-Help!

Cut to Rayner.

Rayner: Damn, their Sargeant is better than I thought.

Rayner’s clones disappears.

Grif & Simmons: (confused) What the fuck?/Where’d they go?

Cut to Church and DuFresne.

Church: Alright you, Doc, get over there and help Tucker.

DuFresne: My name isn’t Doc, it’s DuFresne.

Church: Yeah. I can’t pronounce that, so from now on, your name is Doc.

DuFresne: I’m not really comfortable with that. I’m not a doctor, I’m a medic.

Rayner: What’s the difference?

DuFresne: Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable.. while they die.

Rayner: … thank God I know how to patch myself up.

Church: It’s settled then. Your name is now Doc.

DuFresne: Alright, but I don’t think it’ll stick.

Background goes grayscale and DuFresne slides further to the foreground while DOC slides across behind him, with dramatic music playing.

Rayner: Oh, trust us, it’ll stick.

Church: Now get over to Tucker and do something about his shoulder, and while you’re at it help him hold that position.

Doc: I don’t have a gun, I’m a pacifist.

Church: Well then just get over there and yell “bang bang bang”.

Doc: Eh, I don’t know. Even that sounds pretty aggressive.

Rayner: Oh, come on.

Doc: I’ll just treat his shoulder and nothing else.

Church: (sigh) Fine.

Zoom to the Reds.

Simmons: Ah crap, I’m out. Give me some ammunition, Grif.

Grif: Me? I don’t have any extra. I’m down to one bullet.

Simmons: Wha- How can that be? You’re the one who carries all the extra rounds in to battle.

Grif: Wait, since when?

Simmons: Since the last staff meeting.

Grif: We actually talk about stuff in those things? I just fall asleep inside my helmet.

Simmons: Well, you missed your job assignment, and now we have no ammo.

Grif: What’s your job?

Simmons: Me? I’m the Social Chairman.

Sarge: Grif. Me and Treasurer Donut are empty. We need some clips.

Simmons: Hey Grif, you remember that one bullet you have left? I thought of the perfect way you can use it.

Zoom to Doc and Tucker

Doc: I’m here Tucker, aside from your shoulder were you hit anywhere else?

Tucker: Ah, ow, ow, ow, n-no, just the shoulder.

Doc: Right or left shoulder?

Tucker: Ah, left. The left one.

Doc: Alright, hold still.

Caboose: Yeah, that looks nasty. But now, you have a battle scar to show the ladies, Tucker!

Tucker: Caboose, shut up.

Doc: Anything else?

Tucker: Uh, well wha?

Doc: You have a bullet wound on your shoulder. Are you sure there’s nothing else wrong?

Tucker: Uh… no, no I’m good.

Caboose: Don’t worry Tucker. I’ll sing a song to make your pain go away. (singing) Pain pain go away–

Tucker: (Caboose still singing) Grrgh, Shut up, Caboose!

Zoom to Rayner and Church.

Church: Hey dude, why aren’t the Reds firing?

Rayner: They’re most likely outta ammo.

Sarge: Hey, Blues! We are giving you a chance to surrender!

Church: Surrender?

Rayner: Yup, definitely outta ammo.