Red vs Blue : Mirage

Nobody Likes You

Simmons is looking up at the Blues on top of their base.

Simmons: What the hell are you guys doing!?

Tucker: (stands up) Aw crap, the Reds are here.

Church: What? Caboose, why didn't you say anything? Hey. One of you guys turn me around. I still can't move my legs.

Grif: What were you doing down there?

Tucker: Nothing. What're you talking about?

Caboose: (from the back) We were just playing a game!

Rayner: (snickers) Hehe.

Church: Hey, Caboose, we'll handle this.

Grif: What in the hell is going on at this base?

Doc: I told you these guys're weird.

Church: Whaddaya want, Reds? Get outta here or we'll start shootin' at ya!

Grif: Oh yeah? You care to make that threat to my face?

Church: (tries to turn around, fails miserably) Uhgh... no.

Grif: Yeah I didn't think so. Punk.

Simmons: Whoa whoa whoa, calm down guys. We didn't come here to fight. We just came to give back the prisoner.

Tucker: Give him back? You can't give him back, you took him, a deal's a deal.

Grif: Yeah, well forget it. We don't want him.

Church: Well, sorry, you can't have another prisoner. That was our last one.

Grif: Hey, dude, what is your problem?

Simmons: Didn't your mama ever tell you it's impolite not to look at someone when you're talking to them?

Caboose: (from back) He's shy!

Rayner: (laughing) Ahahaha!

Church: (to Caboose) Shut up. (to Rayner) Screw you. (to the Reds) Look, we don't want him back, and we don't care what you do with him. Now if you don't mind, we'd appreciate if you'd leave us alone. We're in the middle of somethin'.. kinda private over here.

Grif: That's sad. He is shy.

Simmons: Fine, but don't come asking for him back later.

Grif and Doc start heading back to Red Base.

Tucker: We won't.

Rayner: Yeah, I started learning first aid just for this reason.

Grif: Last chance.

Church: Beat it, Reds!

Grif: Alright, we're goin', we're goin'!

Grif, Doc, and Simmons reassemble over a hill.

Grif: Man, I thought our team was obnoxious, but those guys are really rude.

Doc turns and starts toward Red Base.

Simmons: Whoa, wai- hey, whoa, where do you think you're goin'?

Doc: (stopping) Back to base with you guys. They don't want me over there...

Grif: Heh, yeah, I don't think so.

Doc: What? You're not just gonna leave me out here in the middle of nowhere.. by myself?

Simmons: Yeah. That's kinda the general idea.

Doc: Not you too, right, Grif? Old buddy? Huh?

Grif: Sorry, it's pretty clear that you're not very popular around here, and if I'm gonna make any progress at all, I can't be directly associated with you. I'm sure you understand.

Doc: ...

Cut to Blue Base.

Church: What's going on? Are they there? Did they leave? Hey, somebody tell me what's happening!

Tucker: I don't know, I can't really see too clearly. I bet I could see better if I had that sniper rifle...

Church: Uh, Tucker, you might wanna look behind you.

Tucker turns around and sees Caboose with the sniper rifle and Rayner with his binary rifle.

Tucker: Mother fucker!

Caboose: Uh, ooo Church, Church! Okay, I s-I see something... okay... uh the two red ones are walking away... uhhh... but the purple one is...

O'Malley: I think he's going to attack.

Rayner: Yeah, they're abandoning Doc in the middle of the canyon.

Church: They're leaving Doc there?

Tucker: He's not gonna attack, he's a pussy fest.

Rayner: Pacifist, Tucker.

Tucker: Ahhh, whatever, let's tie him up and roll him through the teleporter.

Church: Wait a second, wait a second, think about this for a minute. Why would the Reds leave him out there by himself? This has to be some kind of trick.

Rayner: Yeah, I don't think any of them are smart enough to plan something like that. Maybe the orange one but he's too lazy to do anything.

Caboose: I'll bet they've used some kind of brain washing technique on him. They're, they're probably planning to have him do all their dirty plans... and also the schemes...

Camera view changes to looking through the scope of Caboose's sniper rifle.

Tucker: Caboose, that is ridiculous.

Caboose: Is it? Or is it so ridiculous, (scope zooms in on Tucker's face) it's the most ridiculously perfect idea that you never thought of?

Tucker: No, just the regular kinda ridiculous.

Normal view resumes.

Church: Well just keep your eye on him. We'll know it's a trick if he tries to get into our base.

Doc: (from afar) Hey, guys, uh, do you think I could come and hang out at your base for a while?

Caboose: I knew it! We're all gonna die!

O'Malley: (aiming at the back of Tucker's head) Starting with you.

Tucker: Sorry, but we're kinda busy here. So go away.. or something.

Rayner: Plus, we don't have any surplus room to fit you. Sorry.

Doc: Normally I wouldn't impose, it's just that I don't know the neighborhood too well, and-

Church: Listen, Doc, you're not fooling anybody with that innocent victim routine.

Doc: Hey, uh, I could help! I know more than just medicine! I'm trained in psychology too. Maybe I could help you with your problem facing people!

Church: Just.. get outta here! And tell your buddies the Reds that their little "plan" failed.

Doc: ...Well this is just great. I can't believe I failed outta medical school for this.