Red vs Blue : Mirage

Two for One

Fade in to Doc walking up to Andy, Church, Rayner and Caboose far from Blue Base.

Tucker: (off in the distance) Oh God... I think it's coming back up. BLAHGH!

Doc: Okay everybody, I'm gonna give Tucker his physical now. Would either of you like to assist?

O'Malley: That's just a fancy way of saying "hold the vomit bucket," huhuhuhuheuw.

Church: Uh, sorry I'm busy.

Doc: Caboose?

Caboose: I can't.

Doc: Well why not?

Caboose: Oh, because uh, I am allergic to things that I don't want to do. (cough cough cough), coughing.

Rayner: (sigh) Alright, alright, I'll go with you.

Doc: Ohokay, don't worry so much. It'll be fun.

Cut to Sarge watching Doc and Rayner depart to the base through the sniper rifle.

Sarge: Well, you won't believe this, it looks like the Blues have teamed up with O'Malley. Those dirty backstabbers!

Grif: Our enemies teamed up with our enemy. How is that a backstab?

Sarge: Exactly! No good two-timers! Alright men, let's get in there and acquire that exploding translator thing so we can figure out what Lopez is saying.

Lopez: No más vas a estar decepcionado. [You're just going to be disappointed.]

Sarge: I agree Lopez, time is of the essence.

Lopez: ¿Por qué estás contestando si usted no sabe qué estoy diciendo? [Why do you bother replying if you don't know what I'm saying?]

Sarge: Heh heh heh, good one amigo.

Lopez: Dios mío, alguien por favor máteme. [Oh God, someone please kill me.]

Sarge: I see the bomb. He's right next to Caboose.

Grif: Which one is Caboose again? I get confused. Is he the stupid mean one (camera pans to Sarge), the stupid annoying one (camera pans to Simmons), or the stupid stupid one (camera pans to Donut)?

Simmons: Stupid stupid.

Grif: Oh yeah, right. What an idiot.

Simmons: Yeah totally--wait, aren't there four of them? Why did you only list off three?

Grif: You mean Rayner? No-I know about him. The guy that's most likely to be an actual soldier. Besides the mean chick in black I think he's the most dangerous person here.

Simmons: How would you know? What, did you like, sit around and drink beers together?

Grif: Dude, he fucking shot me! And don't tell me you didn't see all the cool shit he did back at O'Malley's base.

Sarge: (sigh) And he couldn't have aimed higher. Preferably in the heart region.

Grif: Alright let's stop talking about this.

Donut: Sarge, I hate to point out the obvious, but since we can see them with the sniper rifle, why don't we just shoot 'em?

Sarge: Shame on you, Donut! A sniper rifle is a coward's weapon. When you kill your enemy, you wanna look in his eyes so he knows you're the one who beat him to death! It also gives you the chance to deliver some really zippy one-liners. Like "I hope you brought your wallet, because the rent in Hell gets paid in advance!"